Time for your Deadspin Open Mailbag Tuesday. Email us here or submit your questions via Twitter. This week, we're covering urine foam, Halloween costumes, whistling, ketchup packets, and mid-cooking cooking.
Before we get into this week's batch of emails, we turn to the always entertaining fallout from this week's Redskins defeat. This morning, there are numerous stories going around the web about FedEx Field security kicking out patrons for holding up anti-Snyder signs and even starting anti-Snyder chants. We start at Mister Irrelevant (credit to them for the above pic):
After the Skins gave up the big touchdown to Jackson in the third quarter, one of my friends and I took out the banner and were holding it up. Next thing I know, four security guys are coming up both sets of stairs and headed right for us. They take my banner and tell us we have to leave the stadium… Once we got to the concourse area they asked for my ID, which I quickly tried to pass off to a friend. One of the security guys snatched my wallet and wrote down my drivers license info in his little black book. I guess that means means I'm banned from the stadium or something.
And then there's this account from Extreme Skins:
Me and about 10-12 other guys moved underneath the MNF booth in the 2nd half and in the 4th quarter we started a "We Want Gruden" chant. Gruden and Jaws were looking at us and laughing, and then Gruden stood up and flashed his Super Bowl ring at us. After a little while security came over and said we were not allowed chant "We Want Gruden". The guy left and then a little while later we started a "Danny Sucks" chant. The MNF booth is right next to Danny's box so there is no question Danny heard it. A few minutes later Danny sent down his goon squad, cops and all and told us we had to leave. There was about 1 minute left in the game, so no big deal, but pretty funny.
Jesus. What a fucking thin-skinned dipshit. Hey Snyder, those people there last night are the last people on Earth devoted enough to still pay money to see your terrible team in your terrible stadium. Perhaps you should consider LISTENING to them, instead of throwing them out and covering your ears like a fucking third grader. Then there's this quote from Steve Coll in the New Yorker (via Steinz):
The general atmosphere around the team suggests Zimbabwe—a failed state, an intractable dictator, and an impotent and suffering populace
No doubt Snyder would hack off your child's limbs with a machete if maintaining power required it. I daresay we are in FIRE MILLEN territory with this franchise. It's been fascinating to watch the Redskins scratch and claw at the basement floor for new trap doors to plummet down. Each week, the fans get angrier and management grows even more oblivious. It's fantastic theater, I tell you. And it gets crazier by the hour. I wish they could stage an impromptu season of "Hard Knocks" with this team for the final nine weeks of the season. It would be fucking RIVETING.
Now, to the inbox. SR:
Maryland really calls the DMV the MVA? Really? MVA is medical shorthand for a car accident ("motor vehicle accident"). If you see someone sniggering like Beavis and/or Butthead while in line at the MVA, it's probably a trauma surgeon.
Another fun fact about Maryland: The battered women's shelters here are formally known as Treatment for Women And Toddlers.
What are your feelings on shitting in a bar? Obviously there are certain circumstances in which you must drop trou, especially during daytime outings which usually include some sort of wing consumption, but what about at night? As you know, most men's rooms are within a few feet of the women's. You don't want to be labeled all night as the guy who laid a bomb, effectively ruining your chances of speaking with any women without having to immediately deny that the rancid stench filling the bar earlier came from your ass. Find somewhere else nearby? Find some matches? Or be a fucking man and fire one out with pride?
PS - I just realized I spent 10 minutes, at work, proofreading an email about taking a shit.
I've never heard of someone avoiding a bar toilet because they don't want to offend the women in the next room over. It's a much more common circumstance to avoid a bar toilet because some bar toilets will make you question your very faith in humanity. You know the ones of which I speak…
Kevin brings up a useful point here about matches. Mrs. Drew ALWAYS lights a match in the shitter after I've used it. I never knew about this trick when I was single. It really does work. That burning match smell just covers the poop smell right up, like paper over rock. It's amazing. Thus, now whenever I poop, I get the added bonus of playing with fire afterwards. Don't let anyone tell you lighting a match isn't fun, even when you're 33 years old. It's awesome. I'd light matches all day if I could.
Drew, I've turned to you to save my Halloween. I need a Halloween costume idea. Not just any idea. One that, when I walk into a party, would send everyone into a frenzy of laughter. Or just one that would get me a lot of attention, preferably from the ladies. Also the costume would need to be simple and somewhat cheap. Those are my only stipulations. And yes, I'm completely unorignal when it comes to this stuff. I don't wanna end up going as a golfer or pirate or some crap. Any ideas? Please help. Thanks.
Brother, you have come to the wrong fucking place. I have kids now, which means I NEVER have to dress up for Halloween ever again. It's the best thing ever. People should have kids for that benefit alone. No more buying fucking costume shit at Ricky's, or knowing someone will upstage you with something kickass. That all ends when you have a little kid.
Obviously, John has many dead celebrities to choose from this year: Jacko, Farrah, Ed McMahon, Billy Mays (whose family has already endorsed the idea of people dressing up as him this year. Those people never stop marketing), Bea Arthur, Swayze, etc. Here are some fairly rudimentary ideas. Otherwise, I suggest the following:
-Peter King (stuff a pillowcase under your shirt, carry around a Macbook Air and cup of coffee)
-Steve Phillips (staple an ugly female friend to your body)
-A colon (cut out two dots, place them vertically on your clothing)
-Josh Hamilton (Rangers jersey, cross, powdered sugar on your nose)
Those are all awful ideas. But that's Halloween for you. Nothing but one giant fucking creative headache. I trust our commenters have far more reasonable ideas.
Have you ever used a japanese toilet? With the built in bidet? Magical.
No, but I have barfed on a Japanese hotel tatami mat.
You need to lame it up, sir. THIS is the Twitter feed of Letterman's head writer.
Wow. Holy crap. Check out some of the Scheftian humor from Eric Stangel:
NBA season begins tonight. Out of habit Isiah Thomas is coming up with his list of excuses for why the Knicks stink
NFL: In a desperate attempt to get back in the playcalling loop, Jim Zorn has changed his name to Sherman Zorn... Redskins
Mark McGwire joins Cardinals as hitting coach & will be back in uniform... a uniform 3 sizes smaller than when he played
That's the man in charge of making sure David Letterman is funny every night. GOT ANY GUM?!
Alright question for you. I've been married for a year and a month now. How long until your wife got "the itch", and how long did you hold her off? Was there any good stalling tactics? I've been told getting a kitten will only intensify her need/want for a child.
Christ, don't get a kitten. Kittens become cats. That's worse than having a kid. I think most women who marry under the age of 30 start pressuring you for kids a year after marriage. All men deserve at least a year (I'd argue two) of regular marriage before having kids. You need that time to enjoy yourselves as a couple. Also, you need that time to figure out if you should get divorced BEFORE you have kids. Always a good rule of thumb.
After that, you're living on borrowed time. Marriage is just a series of your wife pressuring you to do something until you finally capitulate. Having kids. Moving. And such and such. Once she wants that kid, she WILL get it. All you can do is offer a time frame and negotiate down from there.
In response to Donovan, my nephew was a little monster when it came to diaper changing. In one motion he could arch his back and grab the diaper from under himself (at which point things would degenerate like a Russian hostage rescue.) He was also fond of grabbing a handful of poop and rolling like an alligator.
Here's the process they settled on:
Put the kid on the floor on a stain-proof pad.
Sit on the floor with the kid between your legs.
Pin his upper arms under your heels.
With one hand, grab both of the kid's ankles and hold his ass completely off the ground.
Change the diaper with the other hand.
It also works to put the kid on a table, grab his ankles with your left hand (assuming the kid's head is to your left) and pin his arms with your elbow and body by leaning across the kid so his chest is under your left armpit.
Wait, are you changing the kid, or are you fucking it?
Just installed the newest version of Internet Explorer and realized it now has a function called "InPrivate Browsing" that leaves no electronic trail of what you did while online - i.e. fully eliminates the chance of my wife "accidentally" seeing sites I've been to by checking the history. This has to be the most important technical advancement since, well, ever.
Let's all congratulate Steven for being the last person on Earth to use Explorer. You could have been surfing for porn anonymously with Firefox two centuries ago, kid.
Why does everyone go apeshit for Breast Cancer Awareness Month? As in, why does breast cancer get its own month and even its own race? You've got these little pink ribbons all over shit, you've got NFL players wearing pink armbands and gloves... what the hell? Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for beating breast cancer, but I'm also for beating ALL cancer. Where is non-hodgkins lymphoma awareness month? Or testicular cancer awareness month? Or pancreatic cancer awareness month? What in the shit is so special about breast cancer?
What's the reasoning behind this? Is it like some girl power type thing where women rise up and gather attention for only the type of cancer that they can get? Isn't that a little fucking selfish?
Breast cancer is the most common cancer among all women, and kills more women than any other cancer (the other big killer cancers are lung, colon, stomach). So wear a pink ribbon and shut the fuck up.
I do not like pants. I am lucky enough to be able to wear jeans and a t-shirt to work. What's the protocol on wearing the same jeans? I usually wear the same pair of jeans for a week or two unless they get really dirty. Is this ok? Jeans fit really well around Day 3.
I too hate pants and wear mesh shorts around the house at all times. If forced to leave the house, I wear jeans. I never wash my jeans unless I spill something horrible on them, or my wife demands they be washed. This can mean a period of weeks, and even maybe a month, goes by without me washing my jeans. I am a repulsive person and I don't care who knows it. Pants are for suckers. Plus, jeans really DO fit better the dirtier they are. Ever wash your jeans and suddenly they fit all weird? Annoying. Only happens to fat people, I imagine.
Chocolate Riesen is number two on my list. Number one is Toffifay. If you haven't had one, try it, they're fantastic.
I've tried them, and I agree. Remember when Toffifay used to be a parting gift on Sale of the Century? Weird.
I most often eat waffle fries at Chick Fil A, and I have also noticed and enjoyed that waffle fries are, as you put it "ketchup nets." My issue with ketchup packets is that I always have to open 8-10 of them to have enough ketchup to go around. Why does ketchup come in such tiny packets? Think about it: mayo- huge packet. 3 times the size of a ketchup packet. (Almost) no one eats that much mayo in one sitting. Another example, the wonderful dipping sauces at Chick Fil A. They come in glorious little tubs, and each probably has 4-5 ketchup packets worth of goodness inside. How easy is it to get to? Just rip the top off. It's harder to open a condom than it is to get into the polynesian sauce. So why the FUCK does the #1 seed of condiments, ketchup, come in such tiny packets designed only to frustrated fat fingered fast food fans? FUCK!
Everyone loathes ketchup packets, of course. I don't know why ketchup is so precious that they have to be rationed into little packets more suited to contain fucking Sweet N Low. If anything, you end up wasting ketchup by grabbing far more packets than you know you'll need, lest you end up short. This means you end up not using some of the packets and throwing them away, which is criminal. And ever go to a place where the ketchup is behind the counter, and the fuckers only give you two packets when you ask? AND WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH AIRLINE FOOD?
But yeah, I put fifty pounds of ketchup on most anything I eat, and demand all restaurants be equipped with pump containers and Big Gulp cups to accommodate my ketchup needs.
Actually, if you ever taste Beer 30, you'll understand why it makes no sense to package it in groups of 6, 12 or even 24. Only the worst carpet-pissing, sink-pooping alcoholics find the taste of Beer 30 worth the spike in one's blood alcohol level, and those folks find 30 beers far superior to any smaller number. I've swilled/bonged/sipped-with-Ramen plenty of Schlitz and Natty Ice in my day, but Beer 30 tastes like 1 part Hamm's and 3 parts gerbil piss mixed in with the cigar ash and rodent corpses that are no doubt rampant in Beer 30's production facility (most likely a cottage in Brainerd, MN).
Also, many readers pointed out that Beer 30 is only sold in 30 packs, and that the clock on the can is meant to signify that the time is now Beer:30. I approve of both tactical moves. It's Beer:30 somewhere, people. Reader Mike also said Beer 30 tastes like grape soda if left unattended for too long, which he finds unsettling, as do I.
An important poop question, have you ever dug your own hole?
As a veteran of many a backpacking and overnight canoe trip, digging your own hole to poop in is an experience I am quite familiar with.
I have dug and hole and pooped into it. I've done the wiping with leaves or a rock and all that camping stuff. I agree there's something to be said for digging a hole in the woods and pooping into it. It makes me want to draw a treasure map leading to it.
Recently I was cooking a bacon and scrambled eggs breakfast, which is a key part of my weekend schedule, usually falling between my Saturday morning dump and my Sunday afternoon shower.
It was in making my delicious meal that I stumbled across what I am claiming as my own invention: the "mid-cook meal".
Basically, I was super hungry, so while I was cooking the first two pieces of bacon I threw some bread in the toaster, and when the toast was made I threw in some ketchup and had myself a delicious bacon sandwich, WHICH I ATE WHILE I COOKED THE BACON AND EGG BREAKFAST.
Blew my mind.
That's good obesity, right there. I too go into any cooking experience knowing full well that I'll be eating a great portion of my ingredients long before the final meal is prepared. Say, where did all the shredded cheese go for the lasagna? To heaven. That's where.
I can't believe this didn't get mentioned the last time the topic of kids tv came up, but Geneveve is one fine piece of latin ass. Thank you that is all
During an awful road trip I came up with a fun juvenile discussion point. Rank the order you want someone to do the following on you: shit, piss, bleed, cum, and puke. Personally I go 1. piss 2. vomit 3. blood 4. shit 5. cum. Any thoughts? I won't feel bad if you don't run this.
Well, blood ranks first, of course. I love having blood stains on my clothing. Makes me look tough. Cum is an easy second, because it doesn't smell all that terrible and there's never as much of it as the rest. If you can get over your own homophobia, cleaning up cum off your body is a snap. Been doing it with my own for years now. Piss is third. Vomit is fourth. Poop is last. You never want poop on your body. I get kiddie poop on my hands at least once a week. It never stops being revolting.
So I'm reading Pete Hamill's Sinatra book and come across this, from an anecdote about hanging with Frank at P.J. Clarke's.
"You know what I love most about this joint?" Sinatra said. "Taking a piss. Those urinals ... You could stand Abe Beame in one of them and have room to spare."
I believe your phrase is "Fuck and yes."
Craggs is just the best, isn't he? Only Craggs would be reading THAT book right now for no reason at all. I have no idea who Abe Beame is, and yet that metaphor still feels perfect.
So I wanted to get your opinion on one of mankind's longest traditions. Whistling. My girlfriend fucking HATES it when I whistle, and I kind of do it a lot. I blame my grandpa for whistling often when I was a youngster, and I just kind of picked it up and enjoyed it. Anyway, yeah any time I'm in a car with the radio on, when there's a lull in a conversation, or sometimes when walking down the street, I'll find myself aimlessly whistling. Which then brings the wrath of the ladyfriend to cram it. I think she should calm the fuck down. So what do you think: annoying and outdated trait, or no big deal? Thanks for the guidance.
Whistling is that rare thing people do that's fun to do if you're the person doing it, and agonizing to listen to if you aren't the person doing it. There are people in my gym locker room who break out whistling sometimes, and it completely weirds me the fuck out. The fuck are YOU so happy about, asshole? You're naked in a room with ten other men. Stop that right now.
So yeah, don't whistle around the lady.
I work in a reasonably professional environment. In the can we have a two urinal (with divider) set-up, and we have a significant number of guys who insist on taking a step back to hit the small amount of water at the bottom to make as much noise/foam as possible. Isn't the basic 45-degree angle against the porcelain called for here?
See, I'm one of those guys who will take the step back to make the foam. I love doing that. It's like a contest, trying to make the most piss bubbles. Who likes taking a quiet piss at work? You don't have to clean that shit. Part of the joy of pissing is hearing that shit blast the water, especially when you really have to go. It's immensely satisfying on a spiritual level. I say you bring the fucking DRAMA.
I know that I am late, both in seeing this and sending it to you, but I was watching Top Chef from a couple weeks ago and the competition was to cook for a charity event called Pigs and Pinot. I don't know what the charity is for, and I don't care. All I know is that I get mouth orgasms from a pig roast with cans of PBR, and this is an event where great chefs cook delicious pork meals and give you wine. Who cares about the Vikings, you need to get Gawker to send you there.
Agreed. I saw that episode. Charlie Palmer looks like a kiddie rapist from a 1930's film noir. Also, Kevin is winning the shit out of that thing. You can't stop that man.