No One Cares About A F*cking Live Press Conference

The Vikings beat the Packers at Lambeau Field yesterday. But did you know there were other NFL games played on that day? No, I swear. It's true!

Of course, you wouldn't have guessed that from the postgame coverage over at ESPN, NBC, and the NFL Network. Those three networks, combined, did their very best to squeeze highlights and coverage of the day's other games into a thirty-second window. I was all set to do my normal thing at 7:30 last night, switching over to NFL Network to watch Eisen, Deion, and Stabby McScissorsNeck go through the highlight package, as they always do. Instead, the normal NFL GameDay Final got pre-empted by the broadcast of a live press conference of Brett Favre after the Vikes/Packers game.

Now, I am a Vikings fan. I'm really happy my team won, and that they lead the division, and that they signed Favre to replace Sage and T-Jack, and blah blah blah. That's all well and good. But YOU, fair Deadspin reader, are probably NOT a Vikings fan. You could probably give a shit. In fact, you probably hate the Vikings with a scorching passion now, since they have served to reintroduce the Land Baron into your life for the millionth time.

So let us make it clear to ESPN and the like right now: YOU NEVER NEED TO SHOW US A FUCKING LIVE PRESS CONFERENCE AGAIN. EVER. They're boring and pointless and no one wants to watch them. There's a reason reporters are sent to press conferences. It's so that they can watch it FOR us, then find the one decent quote uttered in the whole shitty hour, and then deliver it to us. That's their job. It's not ours. We don't want that job, because it sucks and it pays nothing.

What the fuck was Brett Favre going to say in that press conference that mattered? That we had to hear so urgently? NOTHING. Nothing at all. Even if he said something interesting, he would have called another press conference an hour later to change his fucking mind. The only reason to hold a press conference after a game is so that the coach can go off and rant like a crazy person. And even then, I don't have to watch it live. I can watch highlights of that shit. If you're going to broadcast a live press conference, you better be ready to deliver news that will fucking ROCK MY SHIT, such as…

1. "The Los Angeles Police Department, right now, is ACTIVELY searching for Mr. Simpson…"

2. "Because of the HIV virus I have obtained…"

3. Someone fucking died.

That's it. That's the list of reasons. Fugitive status, death, and AIDS. Does your press conference not contain any of those three elements? THEN FUCK YOU. I don't need to hear it. Ever. And I really don't need to hear it on the fucking radio. They do this all the time on sports talk radio stations. Oooh, a LIVE press conference! You mean a coach is giving non-answers to questions RIGHT NOW? As we speak? And I can barely hear what the fucking reporters are asking? HOT DOG!

I know what you're doing, network people. You throw it to some live press conference for an hour, and you're off the hook for work. You get to go take a shit, or have a margarita, or sexually harass each other. Whatever. Well, I am at home and lazy and demand to be entertained. SO FUCK YOU. Cut away from the fucking live press conference. I never need to see a live press conference regarding a firing, a hiring, who got nominated for an Oscar, some shithead high school kid that signed somewhere, or any of that shit. That can all be noted in a tidy press release and on the ticker. Get to the highlights. I'm not here to watch some asshole answer questions at a podium for a fucking hour. DIE.

Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.

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