Pothead Dads, Reebok Girl, Hookers and Oatmeal: Your Open MailbagS

Time for your Deadspin Open Mailbag Tuesday. Email us here or submit your questions via Twitter. This week, we're covering waterless urinals, pothead dads, bacon, butter, and upright jerking.

Before we get into this week's batch of emails and what not, let us bow before the majestic and totally gratuitous sexism of this Reebok EasyTone shoe commercial:

Goddamn, that is one horrible, awful, WONDERFUL commercial. So crude. So brazen. I adore it. I haven't seen sexual harassment from a cameraman this blatant since the old Bugle Boy ads. Oh, tight workout booty shorts. You are a creation on par with gunpowder, bacon salt, and Tommy Lee's spinning drum kit. That is one fresh-from-the-oven ass on that gal. Oof.

Joe:

I'm a 26-year-old husband and father who has been married for just over a year and has a beautiful 17-month-old daughter (see what happened there?).

Aw yeahhhhh, shotgun wedding!

I earn a good living working in Manhattan and support my wife (a stay at home mom) and kid with a nice home on Long Island. After a long day of work I usually come home, cook a nice dinner, enjoy some sports and throw back a beer or two. I also like to smoke pot. I started smoking regularly in college and I guess the habit/hobby just never went away. Does this make me a bad Dad?

My wife smokes too (she doesn't really drink). We usually wait until my daughter is asleep but sometimes we'll take turns sneaking downstairs in the basement for a couple hits. I'm struggling with weather or not this is a juvenile transgression that I should have given up long ago or a relatively harmless vice that allows me to relax after work. Am I a victim of an unfair social taboo or are you dialing CPS as you read this?

Before my first kid was born, I kept a small cigar box in our apartment with all my weed supplies: a dimebag, a pipe, and a lighter. When the kid arrived, I took the box and threw it out. I figured that was the responsible thing to do.

Here's why that was a stupid idea. First of all, it's a little kid. It's too stupid to know that you're a pothead, and it's too young to give a shit. That's the nice thing about little kids. Most of the parenting you do is physical: feeding, nursing, playing, etc. There's no real emotional parenting to do, and that's why everyone I know that has kids over 13 or older says taking care of a some asshole teenager is 17 times worse than taking care of a toddler. So I say you keep on smokin'. It's not like you have to confront the problem any time soon. I say you quit when the kid turns 10, for reasons that are arbitrary and pointless.

Also, you were able to produce a child, which is proof alone you don't smoke too much pot. If anything, I say you need to buy BETTER weed, because the shit you got now is clearly putting you on edge.

I smoke weed any time it's presented to me these days. Clearly, I'm not THAT interested in being a good role model. Plus, I never tossed out the liquor, which is arguably much worse to have around. I'll lose the kid before I throw out my precious booze.

John:

What DnD class were you? I'm gonna guess Wizard or Barbarian.

Fighter/Magic-User/Thief. Always. I'm not a terribly decisive person.

TheStarterWife:

Which is a better conduit for butter?

a) Popcorn
b) Baked potato
c) English muffin
d) Corn on the cob

I say English muffin, (pools of melted butter in each cranny!), but my husband says baked potato because it's like warmed mashed butter. You?

I'm not that big on baked potatoes because you have to slather fifty pounds of butter, sour cream, steak drippings, and bacon on it just to make it taste like anything. Why is the potato even there? It's just a crumbly, starchy plate at that point. I'll go with popcorn. There's butter smeared on my goddamn wrists after I plow through a tub of that shit. I literally stuff my face when I eat movie popcorn. I'll gladly eat a handful more voluminous than my mouth and trust that I'll be able to compact the handful into something more manageable along the way. I don't even bother to pause and taste it.

Know what else butter is good on? Oatmeal. It's great on oatmeal. And hookers. Hookers and oatmeal.

Daniel:

To use an amusing quote from a terrible source: is this something you might be interested in?

Mastodon scoring Jonah Hex? If it's a suite of songs centered around Megan Fox being paralyzed and having her body possessed by Rasputin, I'm down.

Mike:

Since shitting is such a frequent topic on this board, I thought these true stories might interest you:

A 70-year old man went to a doctor complaining of excessive fatigue. It turned out that for the past ten years, every time he shat, he had an orgasm. While he did not ejaculate, he claimed to experience the same feeling of orgasm as he did during sex. After ten years of defecation-induced orgasm, he apparently couldn't take it anymore, and had a procedure to correct the "problem."

That's a problem? The man was given a gift from God. That would be like LeBron James asking a doctor to cut off his legs. No, no! I couldn't possibly deal with all this joy and happiness!

I can tell you this orgasmic shit-taking is no myth. Ever take a good post-jog dump? One you've been holding in for a good long while? SEXY AS AN APE.

The doctors wrote an extensive case study on the patient and published it in the British Journal of Urology International, or more often [and fittingly] referred to as BJU.

Alternatively, several Japanese doctors reported a patient who'd been taking an anti-depressive drug began to have defecation-induced ejaculation, without orgasm, as a side effect of the medication.

Happy shitting!

I'm sure a soon-to-be-revered Japanese horror film I won't watch is being made about this subject as we speak. The obvious Urbandictionary term for this event would be a Shitgasm, or a shit'n'shoot, or perhaps an involuntary blumpkin. Or maybe UPS, since brown does it for you. Not an easy choice.

Anonymous:

I have never jerked it anywhere other than standing up. 90% of my actions are in the shower (easy clean up, general laziness) and the other 10% is usually at 2 am when I can't sleep (hop out of bed, grab some tissue, stand there for a minute or two, work my magic, then back in bed for a glorious boner free sleep). So, I come to you, as a seasoned vet of 9 years of stroking my shit, am I fucking weird for this, or has my laziness compounded so much that I take the easy way out always?

There's no such thing as laziness when it comes to jacking it. It would be far more disconcerting if you took yourself out for dinner and then tied yourself to the bedpost prior to self-gratification. Whatever floats your boat, brother. I'll do my business either upright or horizontal. Never while seated. You tear your spine in half doing that. Especially if you're watching that Reebok commercial. As Doc Holliday said, "the strain was more than he could bear."

Shane:

I went to the game with my brother-in-law and 10 of his buddies. My brother-in-law and his friends are all PSU grads or fans (or at least I thought). When I show up at 7:30am the morning of the game to head out for the tailgate several of his buddies have on Michigan jerseys. No big deal, wasn't expecting to see Michigan fans since this trip was organized by a pretty rabid group of PSU fans (again, that is what I thought going into this). Come to find out after talking with the Michigan clad group (four of the guys) that they are PSU graduates but that they ‘have always loved Michigan football'. I was stunned, in my opinion it is one thing to pick an NFL team and stick by them, but I really feel like it is quite another to actually attend and graduate from a large football school such as PSU and pull for a rival team, at an actual game, with a group of your PSU buddies? In my mind alma mater trumps childhood favorite. What say you kind sir?

I went to Michigan for a semester, and you wouldn't have believed the number of kids there that were open, out-of-the-closet Notre Dame fans. It's fucking weird, and it made me hate Notre Dame all the more. Root for your fucking school.

Vaughn:

Is the NBA is freaking out over Deadspin putting the Donaghy excerpts up (I suspect yes, just curious if there have been any rumblings)?

According to Craggs, the NBA has NOT contacted him to complain about running the excerpts. I relay this to you knowing full well there are at least twelve sniper rifles trained on Craggs' head as we speak. David Stern doesn't NEED lawyers when he has a personal squadron of former Eastern Bloc mercenaries at his disposal. Craggs will be sure to note all the details of his murder in his upcoming Why Your Contract Killing Sucks series of posts.

Ryan:

ESPN's newest annoying hackneyed writing clutch: "Think X isn't Y? Well you're a fucking dumbass, because..." It's on the ESPN.com front page now: "Think pitching isn't priceless in the postseason? The World Series is tied..." and the other night on Sportscenter: "Think the Top 10 plays in the NFL weren't great?" Who the fuck thinks that? It's lazy. It's stupid. I know it really isn't new, but good Lord is it all over the place with them.

Think Brett Favre's arm isn't still strong? Think Peyton Manning isn't determined to win it all? Think the people of Cleveland don't want an NBA title this season? Think Rick Pitino isn't gonna bend that busgirl over the dish rack an hour from now? WELL, THINK AGAIN, FUCKO.

Mike:

Wanted to get your take on Canada.

Oh, it's lovely. Very woodsy. Fantastic salmon.

Drew:

MEXICAN GRILLED CHEESE. It's delicious, what you do is spread some salsa on after the first piece of cheese, crumble some tortilla chips on top of that, add another slice of cheese, buttered bread, and then flip. It is re-goddamn-diculous, can also add various deli meats to the middle for extra amazing.

Duly noted.

Justin:

How much bacon do you think you could eat in a contest? Think about it, it's not the least bit filling by itself, and its taste need not my praises.

Judging by the pics I've seen of you at Deadspin, I'll say 5 pounds. I'm a fatty too and have no doubt I could put away 3 pounds minimum (especially if it's Maple Bacon!).

According to this site, one pound of bacon averages out to around 25 slices. Five pounds would be 125 slices. I think that would almost certainly cause my esophagus to dissolve. The winner of this contest in Cambridge won by downing 20 slices. Not even a pound. I'm betting I'd throw in the towel at about a pound, if not before. That bacon… it'll sneak up on you.

Kevin:

RE: Your observation that the FOX robot is always playing the guitar and whatnot. A buddy of mine made an observation: the robot is frequently seen jumping rope, doing jumping jacks, running in place, etc. But why would a robot need to exercise?? It is a fucking robot. That is all.

Because it needs its strength in order to defeat the Burger King.

Dr. Nguyen Van Falk:

I think that when looking for a house or apartment that one should be allowed to use the bathroom facilities before making a final decision. I want to be able to take a "hungover after too much malt liquor and tacos" kind of shit in there followed by a 30 minute scalding hot shower to wash off the shame from the night before. If it can handle this test, I would sign a lease right then and there. Any thoughts?

Can't you do this? I make it a point of using the bathroom of any facility I enter. I grade them for water level and overall flushability. I'd give them Michelin stars if I were allowed. I'd drop everything to become a bathroom reviewer for a major publication. There should also be a Zagat Guide to America's best bathrooms. One time, I took a shit in a model home where we were filming a commercial. It was such a joy, the BJU should study it.

John F:

A lot of urinal talk lately in the mailbag. I have a question. Are you familiar with waterless or flushless urinals? I work in a "green" building managed by hippies that think these are a good idea. They are not. They stink way worse than regular water flush urinals and they rob you of the joy of hearing your piss hit the water to make piss bubbles. These urinals are one more reason why I hate hippies.

Kyle also hates these things:

Here in LA I can find them everywhere. My company just installed these things. No more water! How am I supposed to drill holes in the pink or blue cakes with a powerful stream of whiz?? How can I make a tower of bubbles now? I can't. Now all I can do is make a hollow sounding plastic rebound sound. Look at this thing! Ugh. I am all for water conservation, but this goes too far.

Agreed. And do you know what a toilet that doesn't flush is? It's a fucking port-a-potty. From the website:

Our patented No-Flush™ urinals work completely without water or flush valves. The system is touch-free, easy to install, improves restroom sanitation and eliminates odors.

Well, why not just put out a fucking bucket and be done with it.

Greg:

In college I had a buddy who dressed up for Halloween by donning a red, medical waste garbage bag and smearing himself with Vaseline. He informed everyone at the bar who asked that he was dressed as a clit. Good for laughs all around until the bar got packed and he started getting Vaseline all over everyone (kinda like Tara Reid's clit at that point). He got eighty-sixed, of course, and we came home to find an inebriated clit passed out on our porch.

You should have whipped out a Polaroid and rubbed your dick against against him. BIGGEST CLIT I EVER HAD.

Luke:

Who wants a titty full of beer?

I do! I do!