If Dan Snyder Sees Bugs, You Better Well See Them Too

Time for your Deadspin Open Mailbag Tuesday. Email us here or submit your questions via Twitter. This week, we're covering fertility, Thanksgiving, Project Runway, NSFW warnings, and more.

Before we get to the questions this week, a little rumor about Dan Snyder. I heard this story on LaVar Arrington's 106.7 FM radio show here in DC last week. A fan called in to tell Arrington and co-host Chad Dukes about an exterminator he knew. The exterminator was called to Snyder's house to spray for pests. When the exterminator arrived, the housekeeper instructed him where to go spray. But the exterminator found no signs of pests in the space. He came down to tell the housekeeper there was no need to spray, and he didn't want to take Snyder's money for a service the Redskins owner didn't need performed (clearly, this man was honest to a fault).

The housekeeper insisted the exterminator spray the area anyway, telling the man that Snyder hated to be told he was wrong, and that it would be better for everyone if he simply sprayed the area, took his money, and went about his business. But, he explained, there's nothing there. There's no need to spray. She insisted. Apparently, you REALLY do not want to tell Dan Snyder there are no pests in his house if he believes otherwise. So the man sprayed the area for no reason, took Snyder's money, and left.

And now you know why the Redskins are considering signing Larry Johnson.

Emails away!

Barb-A-Rod:

I'm a 27 year old guy, married for just over a year. We do not have a kid, yet. I smoke some good nugs daily, after I get home from work, and sometimes the wife will imbibe as well. Now, we're going to start trying for a child in the next month or two (she wants the baby to be born around October. Why, I have no idea) so clearly she has to quit smoking for the time being. Does that mean I have to quit smoking too? Can I just cut back? Do I need to get my spermies checked? Does that shit really lower your swimmer count? Do I ask too many unnecessary questions?

And reader JonnyDakota with a companion email:

Any babymaking tips? I've never made one on purpose before. Been trying for a couple months, didn't know it would be a challenge. Wife wants me to quit drinking while we try, but that hasn't and will not happen, certainly not during football season.

It's a law of nature that successful procreation is eighty times more difficult to achieve when you are intentionally trying to make a child. If you were banging a hooker in an alleyway instead, your chances of conception would rise an astonishing 370%. Your wife will do a lot of reading about fertility in the coming weeks and months (and will demand you do likewise), and somewhere along the line she will come across some bullshit advice from a doctor telling her that married couples need to behave like fucking Mormons in order to conceive a child and ensure that child doesn't come out retarded. No pot. No booze. No sushi (something about mercury). No cold cuts. For real. No cold cuts. She WILL force you to stop smoking the weed. It's all but inevitable. I bargained with Mrs. Drew for the right to drink, but she watched my intake like a fucking hawk.

HER: How many beers is that?

ME: Two.

HER: There are eight cans in the recycling bin.

ME: FUCK.

Anyway, I suggest you put up with all these restrictions for now. Once you finally hit paydirt (and that process itself is quite enjoyable), you have a designated driver for nine months. Not a bad payoff.

One other thing: I saw a doctor once while trying to have our second kid, and he told me I needed to cut out masturbation and attempt conceiving with the Mrs. Once every THREE days, and not more frequently. This increases your payload and floods your lady's reproductive system with manpaint. And it worked. But holding out for three days was fucking AGONY. It was horrible. Like being in Nam. I can't do it again, or I will fucking die.

Travis:

If there was a scale of tastiness, what food would have the largest extremes between its "fresh" version and its "leftovers" version? My vote is French Fries. The least extreme? I think it's pizza.

It can't be pizza. Pizza fresh out of the oven is fantastic. Jack Donaghy says preferring cold pizza over hot is CRAZY. Gotta be chili. Chili's even better the more you reheat it. Lasagna, too. But I agree on French fries. Ever get delivery French fries? They're always terrible.

Adam:

What is the proper portocol for taking a giant 12 hours of drinking and eating fried-food type of shit, when you reach for some tp, and you are denied. There's none in the cabinet-fuck my retarded roommate…

FLOYD! FLOYD, YOU USED UP ALL THE TOILET PAPER!

…There is some paper towels, but that's a good 25 foot walk, fuck. So what to do, hop in the shower and let water and gravity do there work and clean the shit out of it later, or make a slow ass clinched walk into the kitchen with hopes of no drips? Or just use your asshole roommate's bed sheets?

No, you gotta hit the kitchen and do that clenched asswalk. If there are paper products to be used, you are, by law, mandated to use them first before any cloth substitutes.

Emily:

Any thoughts on the Final Three of Project Runway? I agree that the cast wasn't as strong this season, but you must have some thoughts. At the very least, don't you think Irina is such a bitch?

Total bitch. It's the worst season in the history of the show. Kors and Garcia are never fucking there. (Imagine if Simon Cowell missed 70% of every Idol episode. If you liked that show, you'd be fucking pissed.) The move to LA was pointless and stupid. The challenges are terrible. The Gawker reviewers are right: they just tell the designers to go to Mood and make some shit. There's no, "Make a dress out of medical waste" type challenges that are cool. And the contestants are shit. How the fuck did Christopher last this long? They take this asshole to the Getty Museum, and he's inspired by algae on the rocks outside of the place? He may as well have been inspired by a fucking parking spot. What a crybaby asshole. He should have been out the first day.

The final three are all underwhelming. Irina's a bitch. Althea has Kirsten Dunst's teeth and makes the same floppy clothes every week. And Carol Hannah totally looks like this one dude I know. No lie. Slap a shitlaod of eyeliner on him, toss on a wig, and you got Carol Hannah. It's unnerving. All of them would get crushed if this were any other season. I think they're all allergic to actual colors. I say Irina wins handily, and then they'll pretend as if this season never existed. Next season, they're back in New York and Kors and Garcia are on for every episode. I think it'll be back to normal.

(Also, Irina is the hottest of the final three. I think. But she looks like the type of person that would lie there and smoke during intercourse.)

John:

If you have a 3-day weekend, is it better to have Friday or Monday off?

Friday. Not even close. More people take Friday off, so there are more people to drink with. You can go out on Thursday, best night of the week, and not worry about work. If you take Monday off, the weekend still feels like it's over come Monday morning anyway. You feel aimless.

Pedro:

My only real goal in life is to clog a toilet with only poop (i.e., no toilet paper). A friend of mine says he's done this, but he's a lying sack of shit. Have you done it?

Nope. Poop is ergonomically designed for easy flushing, with its snakelike contours. I say it's not possible.

Brad:

I bought a $5 footlong and gave my roommate half of it as soon as I opened it up. He took two bites and put it in the fridge. 6 hours later, I'm hungry and it's still there, he's napping. Do I have legit rights to it or would it be a dick move?

Fuck and yes, you do. You paid for it, and that asshole couldn't even be bothered to sit and eat it with you like a proper friend? It's yours. Eat it and then belch in his ungrateful face.

Matt:

What are your thoughts on jerking off while your driving? I am a huge fan of doing said action, but my friends always bust my balls (pun intended). They say it's real sketchy and that other motorists will see me. The thing is, whenever a driver passes me, I just pretend like I'm looking for something in my pocket and nobody gets wise. Please let me know how you feel.

I have done this while driving a handful of times, but only when out on the highway, with no traffic blockages. You're going one speed, there's constant passing, etc. Doing it in the middle of urban traffic? That's fucking repugnant and you should be jailed.

I feel very proud of myself after a highway jerk. Very productive.

Chester Chodums:

Looking at that brazilian tumblr site gave me an idea: Can you rank the varying degrees of NSFW content? NSFW where? What if I work on the set of a porn movie? What if I teach kindergarten? What if I have my own office? What if 23 people can see my computer at any given moment? What's pretty safe for work unless you have an uptight boss. What's kind of safe for work? What's risky but worth it, as long as you time it right? What's brazen and bold and could get you in some trouble? And what's absolutely, positively not to be viewed except in the privacy of your own closet at 3 a.m.?

NSFW just doesn't cut it, and everyone seems to have a different idea of what that is. Movies have ratings. Links to content need more shading and definition as well.

I concur. You'll notice a lot of guys toss in the EXTREMELY NSFW warning when it's hardcore porn you're about to click on. That helps. But otherwise, I suggest we make like the TV ratings and add suffixes that indicate content.

NSFWL – NSFW language. Believe it or not, some offices frown on even bad language on sites. Fucking commies.

NSFWSN – NSFW soft nudity

NSFWHN – NSFW hard nudity

NSFWT – NSFW thong

NSFWCC – NSFW cheesecake (not nudity, but bikinis and lingerie and what not)

NSFWF – NSFW fisting

Parker:

I may be the only person who was happy to have the Favre cam Sunday, as I was stuck in the university library, but was stil able to pull the Favre cam up and get Fox's live game audio at no charge. It was the only thing that saved me from my personal hell of studying all goddamn day.

Fair enough.

Eric:

You're wrong about Randy Lerner. He wants people to think he gives a shit about the Browns, but he really doesn't. He cares more about how people see him as the owner of the team. Given Dan Snyder's nationwide humiliation, it's easy to see Lerner trying to escape the same fate even though his team is by a wide margin shittier.

He probably paid Mike Randall to say nice things about him and BS that he was paying attention to his ideas to give fans the false idea that the franchise is doing OK (and so they continue to pay to see a 1-15 team).

Fair enough again. I was out of turn being nice to Randy Lerner, given what the Browns have done to you over the past decade. He says he wants to bring in Ernie Accorsi, Mike Holmgren, or Ron wolf to fix this thing. If he fails to get any of those men, then I think you're right to go poop on his lawn.

Greg:

I have a question about Thanksgiving etiquette. This year, I'm going to a large gathering of my girlfriend's family - we've been together over a year and I've been to a few gatherings before so I'm not concerned with the "new boyfriend" awkwardness. What I am concerned with is the availability of dark meat and skin at the serving table.

As you know, these are precious commodities and could possibly end up in short supply. In past years, when I've either been at home or a small gathering with my own family and/or friends, I have no reservations about filling my plate with as many of these juicy delicious pieces as possible (Aside: Ever "accidentally" drop a piece into the moat of grease surrounding the turkey before delivering to your plate? I highly recommend it.). (Ed note: Yup.) Anyway, my question is, what's my best strategy for loading up on these wonderful pieces of turkey flesh without looking like a fucking douchebag?

I too agree that there's never enough dark meat and skin. And I've noticed, over the years, that more and more of my family members have grown wise to the fact that the dark meat tastes incredible and the white meat tastes boring as shit. Thus, the scramble becomes even more fierce. We need to breed turkeys that have triple-sized legs and thighs for this reason. They already bioengineer the living shit out of these things, so I say we go even further in making these Frankenbirds as much of an affront to God as possible.

For now, I suggest simply waiting until your girlfriend's mom tells you to fill your plate (and she will insist you do this at some point). "Oh, Greg! Greg, get some food!" Then, load up all you like. I suggest keeping all your food within the boundaries of the plate rim. That way, it appears modest. Also, load up on meat before anything else. If you need to sacrifice taking extra stuffing for now, do so. You can always go back to come out even later.

Dave:

Ever take a piss with khaki pants on, and you try and get the last few dribbles out, but then you zip up only to realize its bled through your brown pants? Now everyone can see you clearly just pissed and you have to try to cover it up with your hand when you see a co-worker in the hall. Annoying.

Yep. Happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME to me. Usually before a job interview. Then you gotta do that thing where you take your hand and rub the shit out of the spot until it's hand-dried. Brutal. I'm a terrible dribbler. Sometimes I'll finish pissing and half a pint leaks right out and down into the grundle of my boxers. No warning. Just BOOM. Instant wetness. It's the worst thing ever. I am broken. I need a cock cinch.

Chris:

I went to the University of Arizona for undergrad and we had a Chipotle right off campus that my friends and I would frequent at least once a day.

Back when we were freshman in 2002, for $5 you could get an overstuffed burrito with unlimited hot sauce and it would fill you up from lunch until it was time to drink. I had a pretty solid system for getting the most out of my buck too - when the person behind the aisle would ask what kind of meat I'd like, I'd say Chicken, and then as he was scooping a gratuitous amount of supple bird onto my tortilla, I'd quickly change my mind and say Steak, forcing him to just say fuck it cuz he's a Chipotle worker and just go ahead and double meat that baby free of charge. Then I'd ask for every veggie available, which would force the tortilla roller lady to use two tortillas to encase my entire meal. So when I'd sit down, I'd unwrap my meats and veggies, equally dispersing the ingredients into two tortillers, and voila, I'd have 2 burritos for the price of one.

Chris, you sir, are a genius. Everyone take notes. We have much to learn from this very fat and thrifty young man.

Anonymous:

Has their ever been anyone more perverted in sports than mascots? I don't know if you've ever heard these fuckers talk, but I'm pretty sure that they feel dressing up like an animal is THE SHIT, and therefore gives them an excuse to talk dirty in public. I can't how many times I've heard Testudo (University of Maryland), tell a girl he'll only take a picture with them because they've got such a fine ass, and then squeeze it. The worst part? He gets away with it! They giggle! Any explanations?

They're like animated programming. You get away with murder when you look cartoonish. Also, you have more license to act like a filthy lech when you're willing to dress up in a ridiculous outfit. Girls immediately label you as extroverted and fun if you're an asshole in am ascot suit. Is the Maryland mascot really named Testudo? Jesus. Patting asses is nothing. He should be dry humping spectators with a name like that.

Kevin:

How many times do you read over an important email to proof-read it? Isn't there always that one error you want to take back after getting a reply or re-reading it after sending? You can read it 4503 times and still find that error after you hit the send button.

Yep. I can look at a document 700 times and still miss at least five glaring typos. But I hardly think it matters in this day and age. Sometimes I see typos in my email now and just leave them, because I know no one gives a shit. And that is why this world is GOING TO HECK IN A HANDBASKET.

Krampus:

Follow up question to Shane's story about rooting against your school: How do you feel about people who obsess about a college team when they never even went to college? I'm sure this is rampant in SEC country, but my personal experience is with people from Connecticut who won't shut up about UConn basketball - men's or women's. Calm down, fuck face, you have no stake in these proceedings. (Confession: I went to a Catholic school with no football team, and thus casually root for Notre Dame. But I don't get emotional about it.)

Yeah. That is weird. I guess it makes some sense in Connecticut, which has no professional team representation. But if you're firing up the RV and heading out to a Tennessee game with giant orange banners flying from your roof, and you went to Marist, that's a little weird. But what if you were too stupid to get into one of those schools? Or what if you got a scholarship to Harvard despite loving Tennessee your whole life? I guess it's okay. Or something. I dunno. All I know is that you're a douche if you root for Notre Dame, no matter what. FUCK YOU BUDDY.

Dan:

I absolutely love jalapenos on my food, but the fire shits that follow cause me to avoid them whenever possible. Is there some trick to easing the discomfort/pain of crapping molten lava or do I just have to keep denying myself sweet jalepeno goodness whenever possible?

I think taking a Zantac or Pepcid before you eat may help. I too wrestle with the choice between delicious spicy food and knowing my asshole will bear the brunt of punishment for it. And you know what? My asshole loses that argument every time. Every time. It doesn't matter how vehement its argument is. DON'T DO IT, MAN! I'LL BE VOMITING UP BROWN FILTH ALL DAY LONG! No matter. Must… have… chili cheesesteak…

Timmy:

You're completely right about the waterless urinals, they fucking suck. The one exception is the visitor's center on Assateague Island in Virginia. Your piss makes interesting little designs there, and it is mesmerizing and beautiful.

Not unlike the brook trout described at the end of "The Road". Maps and mazes. Of a piss that could not be made right again.