Whitlock: Mangino's Oozing Pumpkin The Root Of All His Coaching Woes

Jason Whitlock offers his funky-fresh perspective on the absurd Mark Mangino poking situation by positing that the beleaguered coach's problems could have all been avoided had he not weighed "450 to 500 pounds." Fat-on-fat crime ensues.

Whitlock's become the arbiter of pudginess in the last few months (and Becky-getting-on-ing), first having issue with Serena's ballooning weight and now Mangino's girth. Unlike the Williams column, which seemed unnecessarily cruel considering the woman had just won the U.S. Open, Whitlock suggests Mangino's temper is a direct result of his obesity. Whitlock knows this because he's also a hefty-sized individual who's also struggled with weight problems:

Beyond X's and O's, good coaching is a transference of energy. It takes a massive amount of energy to impact 100 boys on a college campus. At his age (53) and weight, Mangino cannot sustain the necessary energy level to positively influence his players. His team is being engulfed by his negative energy, a dark spirit driven by his excess weight.

And Whitlock stays on this track throughout the column, offering that firing Mangino right now would be the "humane thing to do", as if he's an obese old labrador retriever suffering from hip dysplasia. But he recovers nicely:

If he spent two years away from football addressing his weight problem, applied for a job at 270 pounds, he would be a can't-miss BCS candidate. Heck, he would be a terrific choice to coach in the NFL.

So, if Andy Reid weighed 270 pounds throughout most of his coaching career, the Eagles would have won four Super Bowls by now. I love this logic. The Eagles front office should get Coach Reid a Lap-Band to salvage the season.

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Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry Petchesky, 165-pounds of rompin', stompin' dynamite, blogs through the witching hour.

Send an email to A.J. Daulerio, the author of this post, at ajd@deadspin.com.

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