Deadspin Readers Are Watching You BoneS

Time for your Deadspin Open Mailbag Tuesday. Email us here or submit your questions via Twitter. This week, we're covering peeping toms, volume fights, virgin toilets, and more.

I lost my remote the other day, which caused me to have a heart attack and seizure simultaneously. Remote control location is a real problem when you have two kids. The baby thinks it's a fucking chew toy and always grabs it to slobber all over it. The three-year-old wants to operate the TV with it but is too young and stupid to figure it out. So it always ends up under a couch cushion, or some other goddamn place. And I myself am always leaving it in random place after another: on top of the TV, on the desk, on the kitchen counter, etc. I never leave it in one place, which makes me an idiot. I used to always leave it on the armrest of my chair, but the little fuckers can reach it there.

What the world needs is a remote control pager. A quick Google search reveals other people have thought of this idea, but no one's ever put it into practice, which is crazy. Your cordless phone has a pager on the base if you lose it. You just push the button and the handset beeps. It's awesome.

The problem is that most remote controls are universal remotes that come with the cable box issued to you by your cable company. That renders your TV remote all but worthless. All universal remotes need to come with a little paging device you can stick on top of the TV or the cable box. So you can push it, and find out the remote is stuck in the dog's rectum. I need this because losing the remote control is up there on the list of things I'm always terrified of losing. I'll look around, see the remote is nowhere in sight, and my fear grows exponentially by the second as I slowly to come realize I cannot locate it. Here's that list, very hastily assembled:

1. Last M&M in the bag
2. Wallet
3. Cell Phone
4. Keys
5. iPod
6. Camera
7. Remote Control
8. Baby

Onto the mail. We start, as always, in the poop department:

Sports Pun

Am I the only one who takes a peek, mid-movement? There's a sense of deep satisfaction in seeing how far up the bowl you can make that coil...coil. I just like to keep tabs, see how my progress is.

I also check mid-movement because I find that, if I check AFTER I've wiped, the wad of toilet paper obscures my view of my masterpiece. Did I lay down a packet of gravel, or did I pump out a Burmese python? I need to know. That's MY poop. It's got MY name on it and it's going out into the world. So, really, you have no choice but to look pre-wipe if you want a proper assessment.

HoC:

Has becoming a father made you more of a pussy? Before I had kids I could watch any horrific story, movie, newscast whatever and not be overly affected. But now, it doesn't take much to start some water works.

Yup. HUGE pussy. Any Pixar film completely ruins my shit. It doesn't even have to be a movie or anything like that. Just show me a print ad with some parent hugging their child. OH MY GOD! LITTLE JUNIOR! I HUG HIM JUST LIKE THAT! WHERE DOES OUR YOUTH GO?!!! I also wince at movie violence more than I used to, which bothers me. I used to be totally desensitized to movie violence. Now, seeing someone get sliced in half actually AFFECTS me, which is terrible.

Also, to go on a complete tangent, I get into enormous fights with my old lady over the volume of the television. She's always badgering me to turn it down so the kids don't wake up. And I'm like, "Woman, I can't FUCKING HEAR WHAT THE FUCK THE PEOPLE ARE SAYING NOW." "Well, I can." "Well, cram it. I'm turning this shit up." It's the worst during movies, because I have to jack it up to hear the dialogue, then turn it way the fuck down during the screaming and gunfights and shit. And so I can't get INTO the fucking movie because I'm always worried that the goddamn thing isn't going to be too loud for her tastes. Even if she's NOT around, I'm mindful of the volume now. I'm brainwashed! GAH!!!! In fact, let's make that another question to ask women before you propose to them:

"I know you have the hearing of fucking Spiderman. But I can't hear shit. So will you please let me turn up the fucking volume and leave it in one place during the fucking movie so I can live peacefully?"

Travis:

BACON MUG!

Deadspin Readers Are Watching You BoneS

Mmmm… cop o' pork.

Donovan:

My daughter is now 16 months. At what age to I have to start changing my TV viewing habits? Last winter we were avid Dexter and Wire viewers. Is it now wrong for her to see a naked John Lithgow cutting up some broad in the tub?

From personal experience, I don't have a single memory from when I was younger than three. So I'm certain that nothing I saw before that affected me in any way, shape, or form. Now, excuse me while I go dissect this living cat.

The real question is, why is your kid up when Dexter and The Wire are on? I was in New York last week, and every retard parent in that town keeps their kid up past 10PM and drags them out to restaurants and movies and shit. You are a lousy parent if you do this. Lock the kid in the room at 7PM every night until they learn to fall asleep at a normal kid time. "But Drew, I work and I never get to spend quality time with my kid if I don't let them stay up late! WAHHHHH!!!" Shut up and die. Your kid's a fucking brat and I hope he falls into a river.

E:

So, asshole, how hard are you going to make it to get into the mailbag? Two straight weeks I've submitted a question, no answer. I write to your mailbag because I know I'll never make it to Simmons'. You're like the younger sister of the hot chick I want to bone who I like enough to get me off, but only if I put a flag over her head and bang her for the USA.

Wait wait, so I'm a FOREIGN chick?

Hank:

Hey, I saw this last week and don't know if anyone has pointed you to the latest from Peter King's roadtrip pal Ross Tucker but there was a comment in his most recent mailbag that I found quite remarkable in its cultural relevance cluelessness.

Reader: Perry Fewell? I was wondering what happened to the guy after Jane's Addiction broke up. Did Dick Jauron deserve the axe? — Stefan van den Abeelen, San Jose, Calif.

Tucker: I don't own an iPod and the last CD I bought was the Rocky IV soundtrack in ninth grade, if you can believe that. So I don't get your musical reference, unfortunately.

Doing the math, this makes Ross about the same age as me (36). I guess for him, music reached its creative zenith with Survivor, Kenny Loggins & Gladys Knight, and Vince DiCola.

Your math is wrong. Tucker is actually 30 years old, three years younger than me. He grew up outside Reading, Pennsylvania and he attended Princeton. So that is weird. How the fuck do you go through high school and fancy pants college in the 90's without encountering Jane's Addiction at some point? A song? A CD case? A poster? Bizarre.

I also don't understand people who aren't "into" music. I'm not saying you have to be a music nerd. I'm talking about people who have NO interest in any music of any kind. People like Tucker, who have never bought CD's or anything like that. What's that? Music? That thing people do when they want to transcend spoken communication by adding rhythm and harmony? Why would I be interested in such a thing?

Anon:

Wife and I live on the alley-side of a walkup, directly facing the building next door. Our buildings are basically the same, so our bedroom is directly across from theirs, etc etc. Pretty soon after we moved in, I (and not my wife) realized our curtain-less neighbors liked to have lots of loud sex, for over an hour, roughly 5 times a week. Multiple crazy positions. Lots of oral. How did I realize this? Because they have no curtains.

Now, believe me, this is fucking awesome. The guy is a mirror image of me (Overweight and hairy, what could be better?) and she is pretty cute, big rack, and way out of the guy's league. However, this setup is causing me 2 specific problems.

1. I can't fall asleep when I know this is going on. In fact, I wait for my wife to fall into a deep sleep, get up and go to the window, and furiously jack off.

2. The quality and length of their sex depresses me

I need some help here.

1. Am I a sick pervert for watching, or does the fact that they are putting it out there, make it my DUTY to watch and jerk?

2. How do I get over said depression when comparing their life to mine?

Is your wife deaf or something? How does she not notice all that loud sex? Does she think there's a bat in the crawlspace? Anyway, I think it's creepy for you to jerk WHILE watching your neighbors fornicate. The polite thing to do is watch, then go to the bathroom and jerk it out from the insta spank bank. That's the ethical way of doing it.

I'd point out the hot next door action to your wife. At best, she'd get kinda turned on by it. At worst, she forbids you from watching, and your ethical dilemma is solved for you.

Sean:

If you are splitting a pizza with your wife, what is the appropriate split?

I say 60/40 for men is appropriate. You know you want it to be 70 or 80% in your favor, so only taking 60% is being quite the gentleman.

Yeah, 60/40 is about right. But it's true, I'd eat all but one slice if I could get away with it. The worst is when there's a slice left on the pie that your wife doesn't want, and then she gives you that look like, "YOU shouldn't want to have it either." FUCK. THAT. I'm eating the shit out of that last slice.

I've also occasionally misjudged when my wife was finished with her meal, and begun eating her leftovers before obtaining proper permission. She had half this slice of pizza on her plate the other night that was sitting there for a good ten minutes. I thought she was done. Who just pauses forever midway through a slice like that? WOMEN. Anyway, I grab it and dig in, and she's like, "OY! I wasn't finished!" And I'm like, "Well, you should have hurried the fuck up, missy."

Matt:

Can we nominate a new national anthem? "This Land is Your Land" gets my vote.

No. Everyone bitches about the Anthem. WAHHH THE HIGH NOTES ARE TOO HIGH. Whatever. It's fine. If you decide to change it, the assholes who love "God Bless America" will try and have it takes its place, and I fucking hate that song.

Brian:

I like to pregame with a Mike's Hard or two to get the buzz started in order to avoid chugging too much beer too fast. I want to know, is it too much of a pansy move to use Mike's Hard instead of beer (cause I can chug it like water) or should I keep doing this in secret?

Keep it hidden. Mike's Hard Lemonade is for queers. UNLESS YOU GOT TO HOLY FACKIN CRAWSS!

John:

I'm a normal 25 year old guy who likes a good tug in the morning as much as the next guy, but my mom has three of these goddamn little dogs running around. I had one on the couch that I was sleeping on (at the foot of the couch) and I decided I wanted to get rid of the morning wood the fun way. So what do I do? Do I stroke away? Or do I go to the bathroom because having a couple on eyes on you can be a little distracting? Personally, I said fuck the dogs and just tugged it anyways but what's the proper protocol?

We had a KSK mailbagger ask about fucking in front of a dog. I'll give you the same answer. Next time: cum ON the dog. It'll never bother you again.

Hozzleshank:

Okay Drew, I'm nearly 34 and I think I have been wiping my ass wrong all these years. I lift my ballsack with one hand and use the bunched paper with my other (bunched, never folded, right?). But I have a sneaky suspicion that I should be leaning forward and wiping from behind.

I lean forward. You're supposed to wipe front to back to avoid getting poop on your genitals. Really more important for women to do. I also bunch my toilet paper. I used to try folding to prevent waste, but I find my fingers often puncture the paper mid-wipe. We call that the Mudfinger Surprise.

Cory:

As a parent, I'm sure that you have made your share of macaroni and cheese dinners. So who you got? The regular old mac and cheese that has been around since WWII or the updated deluxe shells and cheese? Powdered cheese or cheese sauce? Either one probably causes the same amount of cancer.

I will only eat mac and cheese from a box. The powder one, not the Velveeta shit. I'm a complete freak. Homemade mac and cheese completely repulses me.

Seth:

Is this you drew?

Deadspin Readers Are Watching You Bone

Oh, you bastard. That looks like Leitch and I made a love child.

Scott:

You bear an uncanny resemblance to the guy in the Enterprise rental car commercial who says "both" when his wife asks him if she should pack the red or black lingerie. I fucking hate that guy. Why do Enterprise commercials suck so hard? Is it intentional, like Mentos commercials? The one where the black guy holds up the Styrofoam finger at the end makes me irrationally angry.

Enterprise commercials belong in the same group at the Ovaltine and Slomin's Shield commercials, ads made in-house (without agency help) by companies run by nutjobs. Remember the McGwire ones they used to run? "He picked up his bat, then he picked up our hearts." Fuck you, Enterprise.

Ferg:

I've noticed you have been using the term "what not" a lot recently in your articles. Whenever I hear somebody use that term in conversation I automatically deduct twenty points from their IQ because it's a lazy and unnecessary way to end a sentence.

Fair enough, and what not.

Sean:

When is it ok to take a shit in a stadium bathroom? Because we all know that those stalls are used for three things only: puking, fucking, and snorting coke.

And pissing! I like pissing in the stall because I get stagefright at the trough. I get angry when someone is actually shitting in the stall. Every guy who uses those stalls to shit happily takes half an hour sitting there, working it out. You're at a game, buddy. You could have saved your money and shat for three hours at home like a normal person.

Laura:

I hold a big Thanksgiving at my apartment every year for all of my friends. This year, because I love me some pie, I'm considering adding a 4th pie to the mix (I usually have chocolate, apple, and pumpkin), but my friends are totally giving me the run-around on the 4th pie addition. No one seems to have an opinion. So what do you think? Is the 4th pie necessary? And, if so, what's the ideal type of pie?

Who would say no to extra pie? Assholes, that's who. Bourbon Pecan, you wild baking BITCH! Deadspin will also accept sweet potato.

Randball:

We have the kind of shampoo in our shower that's in a pump-style container. Hence, I never have to lift it up.

Just to interrupt Rand here, I knock my shampoo bottle down off its proper resting place on the soapdish or in the shower caddy at least once a week, and it always lands on my foot, causing me ungodly pain, making me angry, and ending with me picking up the bottle and smashing it back down on the shower floor to teach it a lesson.

But today, I grabbed the shampoo to see how much was left. It felt like somewhere between 30 and 40 percent, and this satisfied me. It meant I didn't have to worry about shampoo for a while. I started thinking about other household items and how much of them I like to have on hand to feel comfortable. Anything above the number and I don't think about the item; anything below and it goes into a mental file folder that says we need to pick some up in the relatively near future. My arbitrary totals:

7 eggs.

3 rolls of toilet paper.

8 slices of bread.

4 beers.

Most of a package of shredded cheese.

And so on.

I'm assuming most people do this, but I'm wondering if there are ranges of amounts that are universally agreed upon. Or not? Are you a hoarder, Drew? Do you let things completely run out and then buy them frantically?

This is why I have a wife. She's the one who keeps the tallies in the house. When I was single, I let everything run out. Especially toilet paper. You'd think you'd learn your lesson the first time you wipe your ass with a paper towel roll. You would be wrong.

However, I always refill my gas when it hits a quarter tank. I never tempt fate. And I always have a sixer of beer in the fridge at all times. You need six. Four isn't enough.

Francouer's plate discipline:

When in the shower what would you consider and appropriate percentage of ball/groin washing as compared to other body washing. 80/20, 90/10?

99/1 is also fine. I could slap my soapy nuts around for HOURS. Ever seduce yourself in the shower? You start washing your balls and things suddenly take an EROTIC turn? You never expected it to happen. It just did. Suddenly, you're jerkin' with suds. You're IRRESISTIBLE.

Elegant Slim:

Ever misjudge a boner when taking a girly1 (sitting down pissing) and pee down the back of your Knicks shorts? I have, and I just did.

You don't even have to have a boner. You can just have a little chub, so that your dick sits up on your nuts a little higher than usual. Suddenly, BOOM! You hit the edge of the rim or over it and everything is a goddamn mess. I swear, I pee everywhere.

Pete:

what the fuck qualifies you to write any kind of advice column? just from reading the last two i can obvisously see your some kind of dork/dweeb/twerp/pussy. you admit to playing dungeons and dragons growing up and i looked up your picture and your a fat nerd. your'e trying to be bill simmons except your not funny, your fat, ur a nerd, and you've never snorted coke yet offer advice on it. i guarentee i could do your job better than you, your advice sucks, i cant believe sumone gave you a column and people actually write into it. wat a joke.

That message was totally written on an iPhone.

Greg:

When using public urinals, I frequently find myself having the loudest stream. Short of 'tightening the hose', I'm wondering if there's a way to lower the decibels of my release. Is it due to the proximity of my ears to the urine, or have I just been pissing incorrectly for the last 27 years? Granted I really force it out when I'm in there.

That's not anything to be ashamed of. LET YOUR HOSE FIRE. I've woken up my wife in the middle of the night with the sound of my stream. It's fun, like collecting Indian scalps.

CG:

Drew, have you ever had the satisfaction of shitting on a BRAND NEW toilet?? Freshly cleaned is one thing, but taking a toilet's v card is quite another. I work in new home construction as a project manager (we build the same cookie cutter houses a million times in about an acre of land). So daily I get to choose which new toilet to deflower. Its incredible, and the best part is, unlike offices, I can take my sweet sweet time without anyone waiting in line behind me.

That's nothing. If you're a suicide bomber, you get to deflower 72 toilets when Allah meets you in heaven.

As I said before, I once pooped in a model home, and it was fantastic. Like shitting on a silk tablecloth.

Kevin:

As an IT guy who works at a pretty big ad firm, I think I can offer some advice when it comes to watching porn on a work computer. The bottom line is, it's 2009. The majority of companies aren't monitoring web traffic for decency violations. As you've already touched on, many websites blur the line between NSFW and SFW. As such, companies are generally not interested in spending time and money on policing web traffic. It's just too messy and inexact. Unless of course, you give them a reason to. And that reason is bandwidth.

If you're watching porn all day in your office, the massive amount of bandwidth you consume WILL get noticed. But that only applies to in the office. While traveling, you're consuming someone else's bandwidth, and so your company doesn't give a flying fuck what you're looking at. That being said, definitely doesn't hurt to use private browsing because when you're showing the client a youtube video you don't want to embarrass yourself when the dropdown shows the 75 youporn videos you stayed up all night watching after typing "you" in the address bar. Moral of the story: if you must watch porn on your company computer, do it out of the office.

I suggest you print that email out and tack it to your cubicle wall.

Mitch:

Tony Dungy. His blank stare, cheek bones and all around robotic movements make him look a hell of a lot like that creepy Jigsaw bastard from the Saw movies.

It's true. He does sort of look like a ghost of himself.

Ogreyouasshole

I have a daughter who just turned 3. Whenever she "draws" anything on paper- it seems like it must go to The Smithsonian...and lately everything she draws on requires my wife to save it. Case in point- she drew on my wife's birthday card envelope (it looked like one half of Rorschach's mask). After she read the card and opened her gift, I tossed the envelope and got The Look from both of the girls. So, what's the policy with kids and their drawings? What can I toss & more importantly what should I keep?

Yeah. We have one wall coated with all the shit my kid has made. It's at the point now where we find space for a new art project by randomly throwing one of the old ones away. Kids only care about the shit they JUST did. If it's weeks old, you get away with disposing of it piecemeal. What was this even supposed to be? A bus? Maddox says the kid is retarded.