This Night Ended With A Brown Out

For many of you, the day after Thanksgiving requires you to put on your best Gap sport coat, head out to the local beef-and-beer drink your way through a high school reunion. Readers can empathize. Heed their warnings.

This horror story almost feels like it should belong in The Jamboroo but hell it happened on Thanksgiving Eve so it belongs here. Around my parts Wednesday night is the big reunion night so we headed to bar where everyone was. Walking into the bar was like opening a fucking yearbook but whatever I was there to get drunk. Halfway through the night we lose track of my friend's girlfriend, we'll call her Cindy. I am indifferent to this since she is a bitch to me anytime I see her. Well, she comes back not more than 45 minutes later bombed off her ass. We all have no idea how that happened since she disappeared sober. From this point on my friend's new role was babysitter for the night.

We left the bar and I was going to give her and my friend a ride to their place they were crashing at but he couldn't get a hold of their friend's house they were staying at. Being a good friend I called my friend, "Laurie" to ask to use her empty apartment for them. As she asked if she was going to puke at her place, Cindy throws up Linda Blair style all over my back seat, the floor, and my friends lap. I can say with certainty she ate at Olive Garden that night. Figuring she was done I vouched for her and I took her to my friends apt and let her pass out in my friend's bed and about 15 min later we see her shuffle across the hall to the bathroom. After another 15 min my friend "Laurie" goes and checks on her and comes out with the most pissed off face demanding her boyfriend gets in there right now. After he goes in Laurie comes out and with the most serious face I've seen her make she tells me "SHE SHIT EVERYWHERE!" I was confused at first but she explained, "ON HERSELF, ON THE WALL, ON THE TOILET, IN THE BATHTUB!!!" I didn't know what to even think needless to say it took 45 minutes to clean it all up later on, not including my car. For the five of you that have seen Dumb & Dumberer, picture that scene with Bob Saget.

Eventually she called an ambulance for her and walked in the biggest asshole paramedics ever. They forcefully hauled her out of the tub she was currently in and put in a chair still with shit all over her pants mind you. As Cindy tries to act sober to them they yell at her, "YOU HAVE DEFECATION ALL OVER YOU, WE ARE TAKING YOU WITH US!!!" so they leave in the ambulance and we hang with the officer was there for a bit. The next morning I get a call asking from my friend asking to pick them up at the hospital. The most awkward car ride ever followed. I drove the whole way with no one saying a damn word and I had the windows slightly cracked as there was the faintest shit smell still present. We get to their place he says bye and they leave.

Worst part of it all was there was no "thank you", "I'll help clean up", or "I'm sorry" from her at any time to this day. I haven't told anyone as I feel I owe it to my friend to be polite, though not her in the least. Happy Thanksgiving! — Bob H.

Send an email to A.J. Daulerio, the author of this post, at ajd@deadspin.com.

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