Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
We've got a lot of shit to cover, so let's hop right in.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Titans at Colts: I was glancing at SportsCenter this week (I don't know anyone anymore who actually sits down and pays attention to SportsCenter while it's on. It's ambient programming at this point, like the Today Show, or John Tesh's music) and saw a segment where Merril Hoge argued with HIMSELF on a split screen. It was called Merril vs. Merril. No lie. It was just like Stephen Colbert's Formidable Opponent segment, only without any sense of irony, and conducted by a retarded person. They even showed Merril giving himself aggravated looks if his other self said something he disagreed with. It's like they replaced Salisbury and Clayton's old testy split screen arguments by throwing up their hands and going, "You know what? Fuck it. Have Hoge do all of it."
Obviously, it makes sense to use Hoge for this segment. I've heard that Hoge has more than enough split personalities to conduct these debates on a regular basis. On certain days, Hoge has been known to turn into Lucinda, a 14-year-old girl who may be a lesbian is too afraid to explore her own feelings about it.
I sympathize with Hoge to a certain extent. He was so intent on proving Vince Young was a bust, then Young proved him wrong, then proved him right, then proved him wrong a second time. It's enough to drive any man crazy, particularly a man who has received 45,872 blows to the head in his lifetime.
Also, if the Titans beat the Colts and pull to 6-6, that would be just about the coolest thing ever. Which is why it probably won't happen. Stupid reality.
Last thing: In the above pic, that is the shirt Vince Young wore in his postgame press conference last week. Goddamn, that is one ugly shirt. Looks like a security guard at Tropicana headquarters.
Vikings at Cardinals: This is the best Vikings team since 1998, which is terrifying. In fact, the similarities between that Vikings team that was favored to go to the Super Bowl and this one are numerous. Both only have one loss (and given the rest of the schedule, it's not unreasonable to assume these 2009 Vikings will also go 15-1). Both have aging QB's who came out of retirement and played flawlessly (Favre and Randall Cunningham). Both have home run threats at running back (Purple Jesus and Robert Smith). Both have Rookie of the Year wideouts (Percy Harvin and Randy Moss). Both have relatively soft schedules. Both have enormous young right tackles (Phil Loadholt and Korey Stringer). Both have shitty head coaches (Denny Green and Brad Childress). Both have Hall of Famers at left guard (Randall McDaniel and Steve Hutchinson). Both have a dominant pass rusher (Jared Allen and John Randle).
I'd argue this 2009 team is even better than the '98 Vikings, particularly along the defensive line, and at cornerback once Antoine Winfield is healthy again. And fucking Prince was in the box last week. Prince never showed up for the 1998 Vikings. Prince is the purple SHIT.
Again, all of this portends nothing but fucking DOOM. It's hard to believe any Vikings team, even one as talented as this outfit, will not find a way to rip out my fucking heart, stick it in a pants press, and squeeze it until it's flat, dead and useless. That's just what the Vikings do. That's who they are. And the fact that the Saints are an even BETTER team in the NFC makes that outcome even easier to envision.
There was a letter in Tuesday's post that demanded I, along with all other Vikings fans, come out and confess my love for Favre now that's he's joined the team and lit everyone up. I'll happily admit I was wrong to hope the Vikings wouldn't sign that wrinkled old cocksucker. He has, indeed, been awesome. Perfect. This is still a winning team without Billy Bob Fuckstain, but not a Super Bowl quality team. He's made an enormous difference, and I'm glad they signed him, and that he makes the receivers better, and that he gives the Vikings an effective two-minute drill, which they've never had before, blah blah blah. That's all great.
But the fact is that fans of the 31 other teams out there would like nothing more than to see Favre's leg get cleaved in two, ending his career on the spot and sending the Vikings straight in to the fucking gutter. I'm well aware of that. So if you ever see me exulting in having Favre as my favorite team's QB before they've even won a playoff game (and frankly, even if they do end up winning it all), you are more than free to slap me on the cock. I don't have to love the guy to be happy he's on my side. It's like Deion's one-year stint with the 49ers in 1995. You love what the guy does for you. Doesn't mean you have to love HIM. I still think Vikings fans who buy #4 jerseys are weird.
Still. Nice job so far, you possum rapist.
Ravens at Packers: The worst thing about Jaws and Gruden on Monday Night Football is that they are consistently one-upping each other in terms of volume. First Gruden says something loudly, then Jaws says something even louder to punctuate what Gruden said, then Gruden comes back screaming at the top of his fucking lungs. Hey assholes, you have microphones pinned to your shirt. They can pick up your voice just fine if you talk like a normal person. Shitheads.
Whenever my mom uses a cell phone, she shouts because she thinks sound has a more difficult time traveling through the air and not via wires. And she doesn't just shout. She really yells her fucking head off. Everyone has to leave the area when she's on a cell phone, otherwise you develop vertigo. Jaws and Gruden have the same effect. Please guys, for the love of God, shut the fuck up for five seconds.
Cowboys at Giants: I was watching "Intervention" the other night, and the lady they profiled was the girl who was a Hollywood extra who got hooked an painkiller called fentanyl, which the DEA claims is 100 times more powerful than morphine (I dunno how the power of a drug can be measured, but whatever). You don't take the drug intravenously. Instead, it's given to you in lollipop form. I shit you not. It's a drug 100 times more powerful than morphine, and it comes in a lollipop. That sounds fucking AWESOME. Before I die, I want a fentanyl Dum Dum. Greatest drug ever? I bet the many prescription medication addicts in our comments section now one that can top it. "It's a thousand times better then heroin, and it's in bacon form."
Patriots at Dolphins: Ricky Williams tossed a pick out of the Wildcat formation last week (at the goal line), and there's something truly agonizing about having a fantasy player that isn't a QB throw a pick and cost you two points. Obviously, this is a cousin of the "seeing your RB fumble at the goal line" pain. It's that eight point swing, where you think you're getting six, and you end up getting fucked in the ass. I get so angry when that happens that I bite into my fist until there's visible bruising. One day, I really will eat my own hand in anger. And what a taste treat that will be. Lotta meat on these paws.
By the way, pick aside, Ricky Williams might just be this year's "injury replacement instant stud," that one player every year who was a late pick and becomes a Top 20 player because the guy in front of him got his knee shredded. I never get those players. Ever. I always get the guy who got injured to make way for the asskicker.
Also, Randy Moss' beard is awesome.
Eagles at Falcons: After Andy Reid opened the Skins game with an onside kick, everyone had the same reaction: "Well, that was retarded." Every commentator made the point that you should only do a surprise onside kick if you know you're playing a superior opponent, not an inferior one. But is that really true? Shouldn't you only try a surprise onside kick if you're BETTER than the other team, because you're more likely to survive if the attempt fails, because you're the superior outfit? Can't better teams afford to take more risks?
Nah, just kidding. Andy Reid is dumber than his kids.
Texans at Jaguars: Whatever else happens during this Tiger Woods shitstorm, I can guarantee you one thing: when the Masters rolls around, Jim Nantz will do everything in his power to whitewash the scandal. He'll go out of his way to note how tough Tiger is in dealing with all the adversity. If Elin shows up the tournament, he'll make sure to note how much she and Tiger support one another. Jim Nantz is less an announcer than he is a PR rep for the PGA. The sun shines out of the asshole of every golfer Nantz has ever met. Tiger Woods could commit fucking war crimes and Nantz wouldn't acknowledge it. Tiger could rape babies. He could be a baby rapist and Nantz would say, "Such mental toughness he has. To deal with everything he's been going through and still dig down deep to make that putt. What grit." Jim Nantz is golf's pissboy.
Oh, and a giant FUCK YOU to Tiger Woods. You want your privacy, dickhead? Then don't fuck other women and sext them 300 times. You tend to lose your right to privacy when you're that big of a fucking idiot. Don't give me that bullshit Sarah Palin "I'm a victim of the gotcha media" bullshit when you decided to step out on your lady even though you have one of the most recognizable faces on Earth.
/would never cheat on my wife
/or my saucy Latina mistress
/unless a woman were to actually proposition me
Saints at Redskins: Of the two undefeated teams, New Orleans has the best chance of running the table because they may still be playing for home field advantage in Week 17 if the Vikings keep winning. The Saints could finish 16-0, and the Vikings could finish 15-1. That's never happened before in a single season. Ever. Holy dogshit.
Jets at Bills: "Steven Seagal: Lawman" premiered last night. And the fucker talked in a Cajun accent even though he's not from Louisiana. He affects accents. I hate people that do that. He's just like Madonna.
Bucs at Panthers: Last week on NFL GameDay Final, they showed footage of Raheem Morris on the sidelines, covering his mouth while he was calling plays, as coaches like to do. That's when Deion Sanders shouted out, "MAN, NO ONE WANTS YOUR PLAYS!" I used to hate Deion. No longer.
And look, MATT MOORE IS STARTING! Beware, you crazy gamblers out there.
Rams at Bears: FOX has always been a proud innovator of gay and unnecessary broadcast wrinkles. And this year, we've been subjected to their latest creation: the 7-word recap. Sponsored by Microsoft's Windows 7: It Almost Kinda Works Now! They do this at the end of every broadcast now, and it's so dumb, you wonder why FOX didn't come up with it themselves ages ago. Well, I have a seven-word recap for the seven-word recap, and here it is.
Chargers at Browns: Carson Palmer got a nasty horse collar tackle from Browns DT Shaun Rogers last week. And when the refs called it, Eric Mangini went absolutely BATSHIT. He was so angry about the call, he went back to refs at the end of the half to bitch them out. It was an odd move, given that Palmer was clearly horse collared (and shaken up on the play). Oh wait, I know what happened. Palmer CHEATED by allowing himself to be grabbed by the collar and slammed down to the ground by Shaun Rogers. IT'S A CONSPIRACY! EVERYONE'S AFTER YOU, ERIC! DON'T DRINK YOUR COFFEE WITHOUT HIRING A TASTER FIRST!
49ers at Seahawks: Oh, so NOW is when Vernon Davis decides to be the greatest fantasy tight end in the history of the universe. Only after everyone has given him up for dead, like they did DeAngelo Williams before last year. God dammit, players like that piss me off.
Lions at Bengals: I was glancing at Leitch's decade retrospective earlier (I just stared at the very small thumbnails, because I'm too lazy to click through a whole web slideshow. Web slideshows are worse than ass cancer), and I remembered back in 2001, right after 9/11 happened, the DJ's at K-ROCK in New York would play Metallica's "Don't Tread On Me" (which is one of their worst songs ever) with news bites about the attack mixed into the cut. And when the Iraq War started, they played "Wanted Dead Or Alive" with bites from Bush's ultimatum speech also mixed in. I fucking hated this. In fact, it's a perfect IQ test. If you're the type of steakhead who thought this was awesome, I hope you and your Axe body spray fall into a fucking canyon.
Broncos at Chiefs: Someone in the mailbag the other day said night pissing is best when your bathroom has a dimmer switch and you can turn it all the way down. Ever play that game with the dimmer switch, where you keep lowering it and lowering it, seeing just how dim it can get before the light actually goes out? I do that at least six times a week. THIS ROOM IS NONE MORE DIM.
Raiders at Steelers
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Crazy Train," by Ozzy Osbourne. Live off of the "Tribute" double album. AY! AY! AY! AY! AY! AY! AY! AY! There are few perfect songs in the universe. "Crazy Train" is one of them. Since Randy Rhoads died, no one else has dared strap on a polka dotted flying V guitar. That's how bad of a motherfucker Randy Rhoads was. He RETIRED that guitar. And when Angus Young dies, they'll retire the Gibson SG guitar. Only those men get to play those guitars, and that's as it should be. If you're not Angus young and you're playing a Gibson SG, you should be beaten.
Fun fact: In the 1980's, Ozzy Osbourne and Bette Midler had the exact same hairstyle.
Embarassing Video I Once Liked That Will Not Fire You Up
"Funkytown," by Pseudo Echo. Not the original song by Lipps Inc., a band I always mistakenly thought was affiliated with former Steelers wideout Louis Lipps. Please note that the lead singer of this band is Australian, but is clearly wearing a New York Yankees t-shirt. THAT'S PANDERING. Also take note of the jeans tucked into the hightops (not unlike the jeans tucked into boots look that's so hot with the ladies in 2009). And, of course, there's the keytar. Everyone makes fun of the keytar, but you can understand why it was invented. The poor keyboardist has always been treated like the kicker of the band. I bet it was a relief to them that someone invented a keyboard guitar that allowed them to be up in front with the guitarist and bassist. YOU'RE ON THE TEAM NOW. That's much better positioning if you're a keyboardist looking to score better pussy.
Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Since Tuesday's mailbag, more and more people have come out of the woodwork to tell me that they stand to wipe their asses. Again, it never occurred to me that some people stood while wiping. And it never occurred to THEM that some people sat while wiping. I find this FASCINATING. You could commission a decade-long anthropological study about this. Why do some people wipe standing while others wipe sitting? Is it because of how they were raised? Does race play a factor? So many questions. Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Email me any question or observation you like.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Matt Forte. According to an aggregate of all Yahoo drafts this year, Matt Forte was the fourth highest rated player, getting drafted at an average slot of fifth overall. Here are the top ten players from that list:
Of those ten, only Brian Westbrook has fewer overall fantasy points, because he's Brian goddamn Westbrook and he's injured for 78 weeks a year. Forte is 23rd among RB's in fantasy points, and he's been healthy all year long. THE FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. Forte is the guy you have to keep in your lineup every week because you drafted him high and there's no one else to put in, and just spends all year long PUTTING IT IN YOUR ASS. You suck, Matt Forte. DIE.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of the Bengals was correct, making me 9-3 on the year. That puts the Bengals, Steelers, Jets, Falcons, Bears, Colts, Eagles, Vikings, Texans, Ravens, Saints and Skins off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Denver, and folding children's laundry. I have no idea what to do with these miniature shirts and pants. THEY'RE A COMPLETE CATASTROPHE.
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Vikings giving 4 points against Arizona on the road. Hey, Santa Cruz! Way to make a local resident take down his Nazi flag! Freedom of speech, huh? I think we know who the real Nazis are. I guess this is only a free country, so long as you obey everyone's rules and keep your Nazi flags and collections of Jew ear necklaces to yourself. YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK. I WILL BITE YOU."
2009 Nazi Shark Record: 6-6.
This Week's Pants Party Winner
Last week's Pants Party winner was P. Kuszynski. He did not claim his prize. This week's winner was D. "The Body" Bodamer. Come and git it, Body.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Nathan chimes with a poop WHOPOOPEDIT! He calls it, "The Wendy's Shit Bandit":
I went to Wendy's for lunch today and hit the men's room to take a leak prior to getting in line. The urinal was out of order so I headed for the stall. When I opened the stall door I was greeted with one of the most disturbing and amazing sights I've ever seen. The bowl was literally full to the brim with gigantic fucking turds. Logs the size of my forearm. I wondered aloud how any human could muster such massive deposits. I was repulsed and intrigued at the same time. I forgot all about pissing and got in line to order my lunch. When I got up to the counter I informed the manager on duty that the men's room was in dire need of attention due to the approximately 40lbs of shit in the bowl. That's when it got weird.
In a very tired tone, with a haunted look in her eyes, she said, "Goddamnit, he's BACK".
Apparently, about once a month, over the course of the last year or so, someone has been depositing these enormous turds in the Wendy's men's room. She told me they were close to catching the perpetrator and, get this, the guy has been bringing the supernatural logs with him in a plastic grocery bag and dumping them in the bowl. Every time another new deposit is made a soiled grocery bag has been found in the men's room. I don't know whether to be frightened or awed by such deranged behavior. Who is the Wendy's Shit Bandit? Are the turds human or animal? We may never know, but he has my respect.
I find this to be an extraordinary crime. The poopetrator here is clearly a disgruntled former employee or a customer who felt he was treated shabbily. That can be the only explanation. If it's just a random act of poopiness… MY GOD. That would be disturbing and brilliant all at once.
People, between this story and the Last Pickle in the Jar, we may be on the verge of a poop prank revolution. College students of the world, heed my words: that turd you're leaving the bowl is not to be flushed. It is a comedic resource with millions of different uses. Don't waste your poop by disposing of it. Place it in a friend's shoe. Drop it in a fish tank. USE YOUR IMAGINATION. In your hands, poop can be anything.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Jack Del Rio
Dick Jauron – FIRED!
(* - midseason firing potential)
Ah, now that's more like it. A robust ten coaches on the firing line. Tremendous. I think Lovie is the next to go. He won't even notice that they've fired him until a week later. "Wait, what? I was fired! NO WAIT! I DISPUTE THAT!"
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Summer sausage! Oh, summer sausage. So firm. So long. I could take you all in. I don't see why you should only be designated as a seasonal food item. You work perfectly as a winter sausage, spring sausage, and autumnal sausage as well. I could eat summer sausage until I had nitrates coming out of my pores… AND I HAVE.
I love sausage. I could eat it at every meal for the rest of my life and have no complaints. Regular meat is great. Ah, but what if you ground up the grossest cuts of the meat, mixed in some fennel seed, and then stuffed it all in a section of a sheep's digestive tract? MAGIC. Every meat tastes better in sausage form, and I'm at a loss as to why. Is it the trace amount of feces? I think it's the trace amount of feces.
Gametime Cheap Cider Of The Week
White Lightning! Our night editor Barry Petchesky writes:
I've got to nominate White Lightning, a highlight of my London study abroad program a few years back. It's hard cider, sold in supermarkets in 3-liter bottles, for CHEAPER than an equivalent amount of soda. We only found out after we left England that it's the hobos' drink of choice.
Of course it is. Look at that shit. It really does look like stale urine. I also like the 50% MORE FREE on the label. "Hey, it only costs us three cents a barrel to make this in our bathtub. Here's 50% more for free. Fuck it." I love the label. Oh, I'll ride that lightning. Bonus points for having the same name as a cut from "Adrenalize". And, as luck would have it, the song "White Lightning" was dedicated to deceased Def Leppard guitarist Steve Clark, who died from alcoholism. It's romantic, when you think about it.
I also like that the bottle and glass are placed on the floor in this shot. This is a drink meant to be consumed on floors or while lying on concrete. You don't drink this stuff while sitting in a chair. It just isn't done. Way too pretentious.
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is Drew Brees of the Saints! Prolific? You bet! Great guy? ONLY THE BEST. I don't why know why everyone is jumping all over my good friend Tiger Woods for cheating on his wife. WE'RE ALL TIGERS, BABY. You gotta let us prowl! I remember when I married Ali McGraw, and she asked me, ‘Evans, do you promise to always be faithful to me?' And I said, "McGraw, not a chance in hell. I'll love you forever, sweetheart. Gorgeous? You bet! Feisty? AS ALL HELL. But I'm a man, McGraw. Evans loves to love women, and they love to love him! No, why would I throw all that away just because I'm married to you? Baby, I promise you only one thing: You'll always be the one I nail at the end of every business day!' And she was okay with it! ALI GOT IT. And that's why we were such a great couple. Until she fucked Steve McQueen. What kind of horrible woman cheats on her man? That's not right, baby!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans
Up In The Air. I haven't seen this yet, but I do know that George Clooney plays a guy whose job consists solely of laying people off. I've been laid off four times in my life, including in June, when my ad agency had to lay me off due to the economy (the poop stories, oddly enough, they didn't mind). Every time I've been laid off, I've always felt terrible for the person who had to pull the trigger. You can see in their eyes how much it bothers them. They spend a lot of time prefacing the firing because it's so hard to get the actual words, "you're employment has been terminated" out. I'd rather eat a jar of mayo than lay someone off.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Don't have a stereotypical view of me just because I'm your mother. I know: how about we play the basketball? I'm no Harvey Globetrotter, but…"
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Favorite of boners around the world Keeley Hazell. (NSFWSC) Tastefully done, but definitely ALL NUDE. That's important. Very important. To be tasteful.
-For the gals: Dreamy Doug Pickett. We could be twins!
Enjoy the games, everyone.