Nope, Kazaam Isn't Any Better In 3D

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

Shaquille O'Neal showed up in Philly to watch himself in Comcast's 3D holiday show. The Cavs are wondering if they can't trot out the 3D CNN Shaq hologram for the second half of the season.

Kobe Bryant scored the last seven points of the game, including a buzzer-beating jumper in overtime to push the Lakers over the Bucks. And somewhere, Bill Plaschke is furiously writing a column saying he should have passed more.

•A Free Press columnist makes the argument that the Lions should trade Calvin Johnson, and he keeps a straight face when he says that WR is one of the easiest positions to fill in the draft. Apparently Matt Millen is an unperson, and the Lions' draft history has always been doubleplusgood.

Kawika Mitchell is none too happy about the Bills signing Richie Incognito, Tweeting that "THIS GUY SUKS BALLS." Considering Mitchell's on IR, even if Incognito literally sucks balls, it'd still be more of a contribution to the team.

•Oh lord. Every Marlins home run in their new stadium will be celebrated with "an explosion of color, lasers, pelicans and at least one jumping marlin." Oh by the way, this little country fish jamboroo will cost $2.5 million, or about how much it would have cost them to keep their closer.

•••••

We're going to get more news on Chris Henry today, probably of the sordid kind. But let's hope there's some good news too.