Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

* All King Bacchus wanted to do was enjoy a celebratory meal with his family and friends on Saturday night, but he couldn't even get through his Cobb Salad without lusty fans demanding their tribute. At least, I think it's Drew Brees. That also might be Bigfoot bussing tables in the background.

* We'll get to the football later, but we just wanted to pass along this important breaking announcement. Brett Favre watches American Idol or something. I don't know. I don't want to know.

* Did you know that the Australian Open is happening right now? While you were selfishly sleeping, Maria Sharapova got bounced in the first round. I thought she was the one who isn't just a pretty face?

* Also from Down Under: Gas vs. Bag! Should be a heck of a finish. [Grab via Nicolino]

Drew Brees Will Never Know Peace In Life Or Appetizers

* This NAIA kid has what we used to refer to in the old days as ... "ups." [MSF]

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Welcome to the early show. Grab a danish and settle in.