Sports Fella Summons His Inner Black Guy For LeBron James Column, With Humorous Results

Bill Simmons watched LeBron James play basketball in person and he's very excited about it. We're talking 3,144 words of excitement and awe and Witnessing. Then he some how managed to go overboard beyond his usual overboarding.

To bring the reader inside the fragile, eggshell mind of LeBron James while he's playing basketball, Simmons came up with this silly inner monologue which appears to be a mash-up of leftover trash talk from the And 1 Mixtape Tour, Randy Jackson American Idol critiques and the jive scene from Airplane!

I'm gonna go block Delonte's shot from behind! HAH! He didn't see me coming! Wait, I'm in the mood for an alley-oop. I need me some oop. Mo, throw me an oop. Ah, yes ... it's in the air ... I'm jumping ... DUNK! What now? I want to try a one-handed shot from the corner. Jamario, come play with me. Hold on, I just saw Baron Davis! Hey Baron! What up, dog! Watch this, I'm gonna make a half-court shot with my eyes closed ... DAMN! Just missed it. You know what I really feel like doing? Jumping on Shaq's back. Look out, Big Fella, eeeeeeeeeeee-yah!!!!!!!

Another question about the column: how did the "scratching your balls" line evade the Norby censors? Dog.