The Aussie Open Is The World's Largest Frat Party

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•We're just a few days in to the Australian Open, and compared to the crowds at Wimbledon, it's not hard to picture the penal colony it once was. Roddick swearing, fans yelling out quotes from The Hangover, and today Rafa Nadal gets a marriage proposal. Oh, and that attention whore group up top.

•Rivalry night, part one: LeBron outduels Kobe, and the Cavs edge the Lakers in their last meeting of the season. Can we murder, or at least retire the Most Valuable Puppets now?

•Rivalry night, part two: Crosby scored a goal; Ovechkin doubled his output. The Pens scored 3; the Caps doubled their output. Russian and pansy beats Canadian and pansy every time.

•John Calipari says John Wall should jump to the NBA after his freshman year. Which is odd, because Calipari can probably guarantee him more money to stay at Kentucky.

•The NBA would love to tell you that fans came to their senses, and voted Steve Nash past Tracy McGrady for a starting all-star spot. They'd love if you'd buy that, rather then admitting they "lost" thousands of McGrady ballots. And you know what? For the good of the game, I will believe them.

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Friday morning, and all is well. Someone will be with you shortly.

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