Bad Beats: Kiss The Girls

Your weekly gambling column, featuring smart plays, oddball propositions, all your tales of woe — plus, betting advice from a 13-year-old boy! Send your stories to tips@deadspin.com. Subject: Bad beats.

I'll save all my Super Bowl gambling tips for next week's column. This week: a very special edition of "Girl I'd Like To Kiss Of The Week."

FIVE GIRLS I'D LIKE TO KISS OF THE WEEK

Sports: Maria Sharapova. "Are you kidding me?!" some of you are saying. "It's Danica Patrick, right?" No. I'll take the tall, slim, blonde European tennis player, thanks very much. I'd much rather put my lips on that. You can take the chick who'd be a waitress at your local Ruby Tuesday's if it wasn't for the fact that she's good at driving go-karts. I don't like kisses that taste like BBQ sauce. Also, how can car racing be a sport when you can probably eat a steak burrito while driving?

TV: Emmanuelle Chriqui. Not only was she in Entourage, but she was also in the Oscar-worthy You Don't Mess with the Zohan. Also, I'd like to meet her agent. Takes a true genius to market a name only the top 2 percent of Harvard graduates can pronounce.

Movies: Megan Fox. Whoaaaaaaaaa!!! I just went out on a huge limb there. You must be in an utter state of shock! Can you believe a 13-year-old boy would have the least bit of desire to kiss Megan Fox? This may be a little bit too bold for Deadspin. Just remember: Megan Fox is kissable. You heard it here first.

Music: Beyoncé. Maybe the biggest female musician of the decade (metaphorically, not physically). Wait let me rephrase that: One of the hottest female musicians of the decade (metaphorically and physically). I'm also addicted to saying her name in a sassy black-girl voice. Try it. Very addicting.

Bonus: Shakira. I established a nice base of political correctness here: a European, a Jewish girl, a Caucasian, and an African-American. I swear, this was totally by accident. Being half Spanish, I had to put in the very talented and very kiss-worthy Shakira. Pulling a "Kaká" or "Nene" and going by only one name? Awesome. Just don't nickname her "Shak."

A reminder: This is just "Girl I'd Like To Kiss Of The Week." Just kiss. Nothing more. Never would I want anything more than a peck. Never.

BAD BEATS: READERS SHARE THEIR TALES OF WOE

Thursday, January 15th, 2009. College basketball was just hitting the first stretch of good conference action, and the Wisconsin Badgers were hosting the surprisingly decent Minnesota Golden Gophers. The Badgers were coming off an ugly (but expected) loss at Purdue - hosting a marginally-talented but ranked team seemed to be the perfect rebound game for Bo Ryan's squad, and the line reflected it. I had built up a decent bankroll (I won't embarrass myself by sharing the specific numbers, but more than the semester of textbooks I needed to purchase soon) through some shrewd online bets. I have followed the UW basketball team religiously since middle school, and knew without a doubt that this was a game which the Badgers simply never lose. I put the largest bet of my life on the home team without thinking twice - it was going to be the easiest money I'd ever made.

I made my way to the Kohl Center, and was feeling pretty damn good about myself with just under 5 minutes to go, the Badgers holding a 52 - 40 lead and my bank account seemingly holding a sizable advantage over the night before. The game was almost completely one sided up until this point - in one 11 minute first-half stretch, the Gophers managed to score exactly once. Then the shit hit the fan. Every single thing that the Badgers could fuck up, they did. Completely forget how to break the press - check. Allow Lawrence Westbrook to score at will - check. Try to go for the fast-break layup with 40 seconds left and a four point lead instead of running down the clock - check . By the time overtime rolled around half of the stadium had left, and Wisconsin was on the losing side of a 78 - 74 decision that really wasn't that close (Minnesota scored the first 7 points in overtime).

There is /nothing/ worse than a gut-punch game like that, and losing two months' alcohol funds made it that much worse. I went home, drank most of a bottle of Jim Beam, and burned my ticket stub in the bathtub (briefly lighting my shower curtain on fire).

The lesson here? Don't bet on your favorite team. Karma truly is a bitch - the Badgers lost their next four games, and I had to be sober for them. (Sam)

This one still hurts today.

May of 1999, my Philadelphia Flyers have botched a 3-1 series lead in the ECF and it is now game 7. Friend of mine is to having his wedding this day/night. With the thought of not watching this game looming I was assured a TV would be there and it was, right at the bar. free booze and game 7, perfect. As I destroy my liver w vodka 2 hours before the game I am deciding how much am I gonna 'wager'. Every instinct in my body says "take the devils, if they win I'll have money in my pocket and if the Flyers win it is Stanley cup time!" Well, alcohol seems to make you do stupid things, eh. 2 dimes on the Fly guys !
Lauren Hart/Kate smith rendition of God Bless America to start the game!?!? Can't lose right!?

Lindros, goes to la la land again via Stevens, again. NJ is up 1-0. Flyers tie it. Now 3rd period and Patrick 'cocksucker' Elias scores with just over a minute to go. See ya money, see ya trip to the finals.

Now as I 'dini' the reception I walk home and I use that term walk lightly. I pass out on a neighbors lawn having grass all over my 3 piece cream white suit.

Off to the cleaners I go an hour later telling the gentleman behind the counter I need the grass removed from my suit, please. He asked me, "how get grass on nice suit?" My response, "fucking Flyers, that's how!" (ska)

I forget when this was, I guess 4 to 5 years ago, whenever the first World Baseball Classic was. The tournament was running at the same time as the March Madness tourney. Per usual, my friends and I take off from work, get beers, tree, and our online betting accounts ready for the college hoops. I bet a few single games, 50 dollars here and there on maybe 3 or 4 teams, nothing huge. I had about 6 bucks left in my online betting site account and I decide to use it for a 9 team parlay. The parlay consisted of all ncaa hoops games, overs, unders, money lines, point spreads etc. Throughout the course of the day, I realize that I am hitting EVERY one of these games in the parlay. Trying to remember but it was like 6 bucks to win 800 plus, close to a grand. Anyway, the last bet in my parlay was the USA vs Mexico World Baseball Classic Game. The USA was a 5 to 1 favorite on the money line. I just figured to add it to the end of the parlay to get better odds, it was the biggest shoe in of the parlay. What happens? The USA remembers they don't give a shit about the WBC and they lose 1-0 to the Mexicans. At the time, winning close to a grand was huge. What am I thinking, winning close to a grand now is huge! Tough loss. (Todd)

Share your bad beat with the world. E-mail us at tips@deadspin.com. Subject: Bad beats.

ANTHEMIC PROP BET OF THE WEEK: STAR-SPANGLED EDITION

Bad Beats: Kiss The Girls

From Bodog, via Stock Lemon: "How long will it take Carrie Underwood to sing the National Anthem?"

Over 1 Minute and 42 Seconds: Even
Under 1 Minute and 42 Seconds: -130

Jack O'Connell is an eighth-grader living in Fairfield County, Conn. He blogs at The Sporting Universe and tweets at @joconnell2.