Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Big night for the US of A, as Shani Davis, Shaun White and Lindsey Vonn contribute golds to America's best ever day at a Winter Olympics. What's even more impressive is that we're managing to do it without the help of those choke artist curlers.
•In a three-team trade, in which the Clippers manage to get involved and get screwed, the Cavs land Antawn Jamison. You know what this means, Cleveland fans? Get ready for a team led by Shaq and Jamison next year!
•Spring training finally kicked off, and hope springs eternal for 30 fanbases. After all, everyone's tied for first in the standings. Except the Royals. They're tied for last.
•The newsworthy part of Oregon'sLaMichael James's domestic violence arrest isn't that an early Heisman horse currently sits in jail. It's that there's actually a specific charge of "strangulation." Has the statute of limitations run out on the 2000 Trail Blazers' choke?
•Reader Cal send us this screengrab, in which the mystifying Comcast preview people have decided that Gary Williams is the all-time wins leader, by far (actually that was his 1000th game coached. Maryland came back from double digits, giving Williams his 1005th win, apparently.
It's Thursday. Time to bring in the funk.