It's hard to single out one defining moment in a 13-minute speech, but I think the clubhouse leader might be Tiger Woods saying that he felt he "deserved to enjoy all the temptations" around him. Eww.

Tiger's prepared statement alternated between contrite, defiant, angry, rambling and occasionally creepy. He apologized profusely to his friends, his sponsors and his family, then lashed out at the media for suggesting that his wife might have clubbed him with a wedge. He looked into a camera (that was no longer turned on) and asked America to "believe" in him again. It got a little uncomfortable when he started talking about his entitled attitude and his ability to take what he wanted, when he wanted. Thankfully, he veered back on course before it got graphic.

Will it work? The talking heads seemed to have enjoyed it so far, but whether any one in the public will buy it—or his Gillette razors—remains to be seen. (I think they'll get over it.)