Boorish Americans Win The WeekendS

In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like obnoxious United Statesians who are now free to gloat over their nation's Olympic triumphs as exultant underdogs instead of domineering bullies. Suck it, Earth!

The U.S. is on its way to perhaps its most successful Olympics ever, "owning the podium" that Canada hoped to keep for itself. A lot of those medals were captured in events that the U.S. was expected to win, so puffing out our chests and trashing talking about how awesome our boys and girls are kind of makes us look like the globe's equivalent of Yankee fans. Yet, there is one popular sport where America is not the big kid on the block, but since our plucky upstarts are dominating anyway ... well, break out the cigars, a-holes! The world community has to pay attention to the United States for once!

Yes, our NHL All-Star team beat another country's NHL All-Star team in a tough hard-fought non-elimination game that is seriously being compared to the most important international sporting victory in our nation's history. (Today is the 30th anniversary of America's loss of perspective.) Canada, the politest country in the hemisphere, is seriously hurting right now and we are perfectly content to push their faces back down into the mud. Why can't we feel good about ourselves? After a decade of war and financial ruin that we're pretty much responsible for haven't we earned it?

Watch it again here (if you can) because anytime America wins anything in hockey, it's a miracle that should be treasured forever and ever.

Honorable Mention: The Miller Family of East Lansing, Michigan. That town will never get more publicity during an Olympics broadcast than it does when Lil' Ryan is between the pipes. Did you know Kip Miller's great-grandchildren have already been accepted Michigan State? And they aren't even born yet!

[Photo: AP File]