Utah Will Never Play In a Championship Bowl Game, How to Win an NCAA Pool, and Other Swell Advice from a Departing Gawker Writer

Hello Deadspin readers! My name's Foster. This is my last weekend writing for Gawker. I've written for you jockstrap-sniffing cretins before, but this will be maybe my last chance to do so. So while AJ's over there, here're some words:

The University of Utah Will Never Play In a Championship Bowl Game, and Shouldn't:

I dropped out of the University of Utah after three semesters, because I studied one too many Pyrex cylinders. Also because Jewish kids from Las Vegas don't exactly "feel" Salt Lake City, if you "feel" me. Try not to. I then moved to New York to live amongst Jews and Money and eventually get a professional blogging gig, which I did, so fuck you for doubting me, haters. But I was at Utah from 2003-2005, which if you'll remember (which you won't) is the period over which Utah became the first school to have players as the top first-round draft pick in both basketball and football (ten-foot marsupial Andrew Bogut and Alex "Going Pro Made Me Lose My Sense of Depth Perception" Smith, respectively). It was also right before Urban Meyer defected to Florida, who then won national championships in football and basketball in the same year, before Urban Meyer decided to recruit from Pat Robertson's Football Camp. ANYWAY. There was a big uproar when Utah had two undefeated years, and at the end of the second one, played Penn Pitt (WHATEVER) and kicked the kidneys out of them 35-7...in the Fiesta Bowl. Because they were probably the best team in the nation! Or at the least, they could've played against USC that year and put up a better fight than Oklahoma, who lost to USC that year 55-19. Utah's whined about the BCS like everyone else over and over again, but it doesn't matter how good they are, because they'll never ever play in a BCS game. Why?

1. Because the BCS just sucks. Like you didn't know this already.

2. Because theiir big rival is BYU. Beating BYU is a wonderful thing, because BYU just thinks they're so much holier-than-thou (literally) than U of U fans, who—even though 50% of them or something are LDS (read: Mormons)—they think will burn in the eternal fire of hell, or something. But would you ever want to watch BYU play in a National Championship game? No. Never. Their fans don't drink. I don't even think Zoobies wear shorts. Not letting Utah play in a National Championship game prevents BYU playing in a National Championship, which prevents some of the most self-righteous people on earth from cheering in the BYU game. BYU fans make Red Sox fans look brilliant. They make Yankees fans look modest. And they're sober. SOBER!

3. Because even Utah fans are pretty sober. It's a chore to drink in Utah. The University of Utah is a dry campus. They're never going to produce serious superstar NFL talent anybody cares about because it's just not a fun school, and superstars just don't go to un-fun schools. In a state where the beer is 3.5% alcohol by weight, do you know what getting drunk is like? It's—pun unintended—a mission, and at the end of that mission, you're not even that drunk, you just need to piss really, really badly. Also: take the major state schools in the country, and rank where you'd want to see them in the championship bowl game, excluding any you have an allegiance to. Utah will always rank at the bottom, because U of U fans absolutely suck. Jazz fans aren't so bad. Anyway, the point is, Utah's full of horsefuckers and hicks and fans who don't drink. Utes are in the minority but still in that sum population. You wouldn't watch those people in a Bowl Game if an especially funny rerun of CSI: Miami came on unless you really, really, really love college football, in which case, I'm sorry. And the BCS is about people making money from watching the game. Which they wouldn't if Utah plays in it. I'd rather watch your school play football.

4. Rick Majerus. Rick Majerus has nothing to do with any of this, but I just felt like pointing out what a fat asshole he is.

Why You Should Like Stephen A. Smith

BECAUSE HE TALKS LIKE THIS AND EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS IMPORTANT. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHIT WAS COMING. Also, he was once on General Hospital. For those of us who enjoy typing in caps, he's a blessing.

How To Win In An NCAA Pool

Step 1: Don't watch college basketball until March. Try to erase any knowledge of college basketball you have.
Step 2: Pick all the first round games with the higher-seeded teams as winners except for exactly 1/4th of the games.
Step 3: Show your significant other or a friend (possibly a friend with benefits, but make sure they don't know dick about sports) all the mascots of all the teams of the 1/4th of games you have yet to pick. Tell her or him to pick their favorite mascot.
Step 4: Repeat Step 2 for the following rounds all the way through the Final Four.
Step 5: Don't be a dumbass. You know who's going to win the championship game. Pick them.
Step 6: Pretend you have some idea of what the final game score will be, and as you're about to give it to the person in charge of the pool, act like you forgot to fill that in. Look at the paper, casually shrug, and fill it out as if you're a great authority on what this number should be. Hand it over.
Step 7: Collect your money. Buy your spouse something nice so they let you keep betting your money in consequent years, you pussywhipped/cockwhipped sucker.
Step 8: Spend the rest of it selfishly. Buy yourself a nice bottle of bourbon, maybe Blanton's.
Step 9: Drink that shit, you victorious bastard. You earned it.
Step 10: You're now "that guy."
Step 11: Write a list of shit everyone knows that just generally irritates them the more they hear it.

The Best Sports Movie of All Time
Whatever it is, it isn't Hoosiers.

Signed, Sealed, and Certified,

Foster Kamer
Departing Gawker Writer

PS. Hey AJ, call your mother. Also: stop being a pussy. Ha. Pussy.

Foster Kamer will start writing for the Village Voice on Monday. He doesn't know dick about sports. You're all a bunch of pussies. I mean, you're cool. But the rest of them are overcompensating pussies.