Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•The uncapped year isn't good for every player, as the Panthers take advantage by releasing Jake Delhomme after seven up-and-down seasons. But don't you worry! They still owe him $12.5 million in guarantees.
•Brett Favre tells Jay Leno he doesn't know if he'll be back next season, and won't decide for a while. Both Favre and Leno can die in a fire.
...What? I don't even have a joke for that one.
•Brittney Griner was suspended two games for landing quite the punch on Jordan Barncastle. Seems lenient. Legarrette Blount got more than that, and each football game is worth like, 10 basketball games.
•It's a World Series rematch! The importance might be lessened somewhat when you consider the Phillies' gamewinning rally was strung together by Brian Bocock, Paul Hoover and Wilson Valdez.
•For just $1000 dollars, you can spend an entire day with Jose Canseco. For $2000, you only have to spend an afternoon with him.
Good Friday, folks. I'm glad we could make it the entire week without you resorting to cannibalism.