Beadle Distressed By Inflatable Dong Tongue; Cowherd, Not So Much

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

They found Sidney Crosby's stick! Supposedly it was "accidentally" marked for shipment to the International Hockey Hall of Fame in Russia. Apparently the Russians were planning to hold it hostage in exchange for Rudolf Abel.

•In what was essentially a play-in game, Notre Dame topped Seton Hall behind a healthy Luke Harangody. See, we don't need to expand the tourney. We already have a thrilling week of "Who will finish above .500 in the Big East and make it in?"

•Dan Orlovsky signed a photo of his immortal self-imposed safety "I'm just an idiot." You remember that play, right? No? Do you even remember Dan Orlovsky? Maybe if the photo was him holding a clipboard instead of a football.

•Also in the collectibles market, we have a Hooters menu signed by Tiger Woods. This was signed way back in 1996, when Tiger probably thought those girls were out of his league. Actually, looking at his recent mistresses, Hooters waitresses might still be out of his league.

•An MSU player on probation for that fraternity brawl received an extra 30 days of alcohol tests after he "posted a Facebook message about drunk texting." Lord knows what sanctions I'm facing after posting about an article written about him posting about drunk texting.

(Screengrab of...some mascot thing on SportsNation thanks to Luke.)

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Thursday morning got you down? Say hello to the Mc10:35. You're welcome.