Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
* Why aren't the Paralympics held at the same time as the regular Olympics? This guy is downhill skiing on one leg. If that doesn't warrant a sappy NBC tribute hosted by Cris Collinsworth, I don't know what does. [AP Photo via The Big Picture]
* Here's a shocker: Ron Washington's super cocaine adventure was not his first rodeo, so to speak. This doesn't make sense though, because how could a baseball player use drugs when he wasn't playing in the clearly demarcated "Steroid Era"? [Dallas Morning News]
* In other news, Vin Scully: Still incredibly old. [MLB]
* Anaheim's James Wisniewski gets an eight-game suspension for his Looney Tunes-esque hit on Chicago's Brent Seabrook, proving once again that violence never solves anything. Except when it does. [Yahoo, ESPN]
* Finally, in honor of Peter "Captain Over" Graves, here's an interview with Joey from "Airplane". No, he's never been in a Turkish prison, although he was thoroughly manhandled by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. [Village Voice]
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Hey, I'm back! What do you mean, "You were gone?" It was a whole week! Yeah, I didn't notice either. Anyway, I'm a little behind on my email/reading—and obviously a little rusty this morning—so I'm just going to assume that Tiger Woods didn't do anything hilarious recently. I mean, it's not like his story can get more embarrassing, right?