Subliminal Telestrator Messages Get A Lot Less SubliminalS

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

[Image sent by Ari]

* Tiger Woods continues to make friends with PGA tournament sponsors by upstaging all their events with his apologies. His ESPN interview aired during the final hole of the Transitions Optical Championship. (Jim Furyk won, btw.) No free bifocals for him, I guess. [ESPN]

* Dolphins running back Ronnie Brown joins the NFL DUI Club. You should see the shirts. They're pretty snazzy. [PFT]

* Joe Mauer is a very rich man. For real this time. I think. Eight years, $184 million, which is just like I can't even do the math on that but it sounds like a lot. [NYTimes]

* Jimmie Johnson won his third race in five NASCAR events this season, the 50th victory of his career, and can now check Bristol off the list of tracks that he owns. Yeah, he's just being annoying now. [FoxSports]

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How was your weekend? Sunny and fulfilling, I hope. Or has too much TV turned you into a mole person? Yeah, me too.