So The Fingers Don't Mean 'We're #1?'S

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•In a two-time Stanley Cup rematch, the Red Wings topped the Penguins 3-1. This one featured some extracurriculars between Sidney Crosby and Detroit goalie Jimmy Howard, as Howard officially supplanted Ryan Miller as America's favorite hockey player.

•Alex Rodriguez is set to meet with federal investigators this week regarding the Canadian doctor linked to HGH. A-Rod isn't suspected of any wrongdoing, the feds just want to know what Canadian medicine is like, now that our country has become socialist.

•Upset with a call in their CBI quarterfinal, Saint Louis coach Rick Majerus nearly snapped a courtside reporter's laptop in half. Pretty sure he thought it was this.

•An MRI confirms that Kalin Lucas ruptured his Achilles tendon. That's not particularly funny. What is funny is seeing Dash try to talk himself into believing MSU is a better team without him.

•Orlando won its 50th game of the season; the first time Vince Carter has ever been part of a 50-win team. It helps that he's a relatively smaller part of this one.

(Thanks to Rob for the screengrab)

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It's Tuesday. Quick congrats to my cousin and his wife, and their brand-new baby boy. May I suggest any of the fine names over at Name Of The Year?