Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• See that harmlessly corny newspaper graphic over there? It ran in the Indianapolis Star yesterday, and here's what coachbot Mike Krzyzewski had to say about it:
"First thing, I thought, you know, 'That can't be,'" Krzyzewski said. "How could a newspaper do that? I thought somebody doodled. Actually, I thought I looked better. But it was kind of juvenile. Not kind of, it was just juvenile. You know, my seven grandkids didn't enjoy looking at it. That's not Papi.
"You know, it is what it is," Coach K said. "It's very juvenile. We have great kids who go to school, they graduate. If we're going to be despised or hated by anybody because we go to school and we want to win, you know what, that's your problem. If you don't like it, keep drawing pictures. Try to do them a little bit better than that, though."
Whereupon the newspaper decided to pull the illustration and apologize, because like all newspapers, the Indy Star determines its standards by measuring them against the sticks in its readers' asses.
• Erin Andrews was the target of a series of sexual and increasingly threatening e-mails sent to the Dan Patrick Show, according to TMZ. "Someone should shoot her in the face," reads one e-mail, reportedly from a man in Newport News, Va. "I'm one in a million," he writes in another e-mail. "She'll never see me coming." The FBI is investigating.
• "That ain't no [expletive] joke. I'm going to find out who did it ... put my [expletive] hands on one of y'all. I'm going to put my hands on whoever did it. You better believe that. It's [expletive] personal. You better believe it." — Kenyon Martin, on whoever filled his Range Rover with buttered popcorn.
• Here's the heartwarming story of plucky Brad Stevens, a former Eli Lilly marketing associate who scored his first paying job at Butler because an assistant coach got popped for soliciting a hooker. It's just like Hoosiers!
• One of Notre Dame's top recruits, offensive lineman Matt James, died yesterday in a fall from a hotel balcony while on Spring Break in Panama City Beach, Fla.
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Good morning, everyone. Another slow Saturday with me, Idiot Barking Dog, and whatever's left of the intern.