Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•The NHL playoffs kicked off with four games, each decided by a single goal. It would be more exciting if we didn't have two months of it left to go. (Thanks to Joey, Brandon, Tim, and everyone else who sent in the screengrab)
•With a win over Charlotte, the Bulls clinch the 8th and final playoff spot in the east. This is good news for us, and bad news for Gar Forman and John Paxson, who may not survive working with Vinny Del Negro another couple weeks.
•Shh! Nobody wake Eddie Jordan! He's going to be fired by the Sixers as soon as he checks his phone.
•Kevin Durant becomes the youngest NBA scoring champ since Max "Slats" Zaslofsky, of the '47-48 Chicago Stags. Sure, but I'd like to see how well Durant does playing in those short shorts and Converse sneakers.
•Jorge Cantu becomes the first player to open a season with nine straight games with an RBI. Take it in, Marlins fans. Savor this. This is your season's peak of excitement.
It's Thursday morning. Daulerio's gone. Let's drive this site into the ground.