Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogs to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
* I know how this ticket stub looks, but honestly, punching a Nationals fan in the back of the head is actually a public service. Sore, disoriented and forgetful is the only way to enjoy baseball in Washington. [Wonkette]
* BYU's women's rugby team—not an official NCAA sport—forfeited their national quarterfinal game on Sunday, because USA Rugby refused to reschedule it and Mormons don't roll on the Sabbath. Even after they spent $10,000 of their own money to travel to the Sweet 16 game to prove their point. Nobody fucks with the Jesus (Christ of Latter-Day Saints.) [Fanhouse]
* Former lightweight champion Edwin Valero was arrested in Venezuela for allegedly killing his wife, then he killed himself in his jail cell. So boxing remains as uplifting as always. [Queensberry Rules/ESPN]
* A seemingly harmless Andre Ethier home run, right? Well, not to the guy who lost his nachos because of a mulleted, overzealous ballhawk. It's always the snackers who suffer the most. [YouTube]
* You know, the Olympics are awesome, but they might be even better if the lead studio host was louder and more pompous than the current one. Oh, perfect. Chris Berman has re-upped at ESPN and they're going after Socchi. You will never, ever be free of sound effects and Eagles lyrics.
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It's Monday. It's also Patriots Day. Try not to let hot volcanic ash rain on your parade.