Now I'm no Perry Mason, but I'd say that if your defense rests in part on there being a distinction between a right person and a wrong person on whom to ralph, your case is lost already.

Dave Clemmens has spoken up on behalf of his crapulent nephew, Matthew, the walking Aristocrats joke who went to a Phillies game and puked on an off-duty cop and his 11-year-old daughter. In the video above, Dave disgorges himself of the following choice bit:

He's not a monster, he's a kid. He's a good kid, and i think he just had a couple extra beers that might've got him a little sick, and he accidentally vomited, putting his hand in front of his mouth, and vomited on the person in front of him, which was the wrong person.

Thanks, Uncle Dave!

Elsewhere, Uncle Dave could also be found disputing the notion that his nephew started the fight:

"They (the other fans) turned the story around and they said he started fighting them," the uncle said. "But how do you fight when you're puking?"

An excellent point. Of course, on the other hand, how do you start a fight when you're getting blasted by a fire hose of puke? These are nuanced arguments, and for now, at least, the matter appears to be another classic case of he-said, he-projectile-vomited.

Uncle of Phillies vomiter: Nephew 'is just a good boy who got sick' [Out of Bounds]

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Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry will be here in a few with more penis- and vomit-related stories.