Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
* Forget about the nipple rings or the hat or whatever unfortunate soul has to apply the second coat to this guy's back. Here's what I don't get: Wouldn't an actual white t-shirt be cheaper than all that paint? They're like $10 for a six-pack, dude—you can afford to have options. [More pics @ Riverfront Times]
* Despite spending two whole years on the job, Trey Hillman was unable to completely rebuild the decrepit Kansas City Royals franchise. Have they considered magic bats? That always worked in "The Natural." [KC Star]
* Nearly 20 years after leaving Georgia Tech for the NBA (where he squandered about $60 million in salary), Kenny Anderson earned his college degree in "organizational leadership." What could a 14-year NBA point guard possibly know about "organizational leadership"? [NYTimes, via Ball Don't Lie]
* Two dozen people were arrested and several stores looted following Montreal's second-round victory over Pittsburgh. If they reach the Stanley Cup Finals, we'll have to nuke that place from orbit. [NECN]
* The Saints have exercised their arbitration clause in their dispute with former security director Geoffrey Santini, which means their fight over an alleged drug theft/cover up will be settled in private, rather than a court room. (Which also conveniently means that all the evidence will remain hidden from the public for now.) Wow, there is literally nothing to see here. [ESPN]
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Well, that was a job ... done. See you next week.