Time for your Tuesday edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Today, we're covering war, peeing, running, pennies, printers, belts, anus sex, and more.

I went into a fitting room the other day and the room had mirrors on three sides. This is fucking awesome. I'll never NOT feel like I've walked into the middle of Enter The Dragon when I encounter a room with this kind of arrangement. WHICH DREW IS THE REAL DREW?! Also, if you enjoy studying yourself in the mirror as much as I do, these rooms provide endless angles from which to observe yourself. HOLY SHIT! THAT'S ME IN PROFILE! GODDAMN, I GOT A WEIRDASS CHIN!

Mirrors are fun. Now let's get stupid.

Rynocerous:

My "cubicle" opens on two sides to a walkway, and my desk is right next to the floor printer. Whenever I hear the printer fire up, three thoughts go through my brain in rapid succession: (1) Someone is printing something. (2) That someone is probably going to walk over here to pick it up shortly. (3) When they walk past me, they will be able to see whatever I'm looking at on my computer.

It's a terrible noise to hear, isn't it? You know you don't have much time, so you have to minimize. BUT OH FUCK! THE COMPUTER FROZE UP! Your Korean bondage titlicking clip is still up on Redtube for all to see! They're getting closer! Pull the plug! PULL THE PLUGGGGG!!!!

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I'll tell you what's even worse. You minimize your browser to do bullshit work while someone is at the printer, and you know you can't go back to the browser until that person is done printing. And they print for fucking EVER. It's like being in jail. All you want to do is go back to dicking around, and Mister Bigdick with the 800-page PowerPoint deck won't stop loitering around behind you. And it's a color printout, which means each slide takes a fucking minute to print. WHY DO WE EVEN PRINT ANYMORE? YOU PEOPLE ARE MAKING MOMMY NATURE CRY!

I used to have boss who worked over my shoulder, like to correct a document or something. That's a horrible way to spend 10 minutes. Not only are you stuck and unable to dick around, but you always expect them to put a hand down your shirt when they're standing back there.

Metz:

Is there anything worse than people who run around in an office? What kind of arrogant bastard is so busy that whatever is being done must be done RIGHT NOW? Chances are, they aren't that important. There are few things that I will actually hustle up for and getting back to work isn't one of them.

There's only one reason to run in an office setting, and that is if some sort of free food or alcohol has been left in a conference room and first one there has dibs on it. If you're slow, that means you get stuck with the alfalfa sprout focaccia with double mayo, and that is shit.

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I've run to meetings when I was late. This is stupid, since I was already late. The extra minute I save running my sorry ass to room 13B isn't going to move time backwards. But I don't like being known as a late person. I hate people at companies who occupy senior positions and use that as an excuse to be late to every fucking meeting and keep everyone waiting. You're not the president, dickweed. You're VP of brand management for Nilla Wafers.

Joe:

Is it better to wait around for your penny from the cashier or tell them, "don't worry about it"? In the first case, you look like a cheapass. In the second, you come off like a douche.

It depends on if she's out and has to find a new roll. If she's goofing around looking for a roll of fresh pennies, I say get the hell out of there. Otherwise, wait and dump them in the TAKE A PENNY LEAVE A PENNY tray like everyone else.

I've been to gas stations and 7-11's where there's no TAKE A PENNY LEAVE A PENNY tray, and that is a fatal design flaw. That tray is crucial to the American well-being. If I need two pennies to avoid getting 98 cents (rough weight: seven pounds) of change back, that tray is vital. And it's vital if I want to leave the shitass pennies I already have in my pocket from some other crap store. Ever leave a nickel in that tray? I feel like a Rockefeller when I do that.

Anonymous English guy:

Before I finished college (370 miles from home) last year, I childishly wrote a friend's phone number on the wall of a pub, and invited patrons of the establishment to ring it for what I described as "anus sex".

I like that. Anus sex. Such a delicate way of putting it.

I believed that (a) nobody phones those numbers anyway, and (b) nobody would ring one that promised "anus sex" because ZOMGIT'SOBVIOUSLYAJOKE. Turns out? NEITHER OF THESE THINGS ARE TRUE.

They're not? Color me surprised.

So my friend gets rung up by a few drunkards, isn't amused, I remain silent. Flash forward a few months and, not as a result of the phone calls I hasten to add, the friend develops some pretty serious mental health problems. And the phone calls continue. And continue. And the friend's paranoia goes through the roof.

I 'fess up. And the phone calls continue. So now I have to get another friend who is still at the college to go and obscure the phone number with a sharpie. So who's the bigger dick? Me, or my friend who can't take a joke? (It's me isn't it?)

Oh, yes. It's you. But I think it's worth it to have your friend spiral down into madness, always thinking someone is trying to get anus sex from him. THEY ALL WANT ANUS SEX FROM ME! THEY'RE WATCHING MY ANUS AS WE SPEAK.

Justin:

I hate it when there is only one sink and multiple urinals. I would rather pretend to be taking the longest piss in the history of mankind than to walk up next to the sink and awkwardly wait for the other dude to finish washing his hands.

Oh, that is so very true. The worst part is the mirror. The guy is washing his hands and looking in the mirror and there you are hovering in the background like the fucking Candyman. I just want to use the sink, buddy. I'm not looking at your ass. I swear.

Brian:

When putting on your belt, what side does the buckle go on? I'm usually a buckle on the left kind of guy. Well, during a morning poop, I noticed the writing on the inside of the belt to be upside down. Could Cole Haan possibly assume the buckle should go on the right side? I am absolutely baffled by this, and for some reason terrified to try and put my belt on the other way.

Is Cole Haan English? Maybe it's a European thing, like driving on the retarded side of the road. If I tried putting my buckle on the right, my head would explode. Even thinking about it right now disturbs and confuses me.

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I used to sit on the bench for my high school and college football teams, and one thing that blows about playing football (besides getting hit and running and stuff) is the belt they give you. You get that looped belt, and you have to sit there for four hours working it through the stretch pants. It takes forever to inch that stupid thing along inside. I feel like I'm trying to dig out of a jail cell with a spoon. More than once a week, I'd work the belt through only to realize I had never got a firm grip on the end of the belt, and that I was manipulating a PHANTOM belt through the pants the whole time. Diabolical? YOU BET!

Grant:

Is there a scenario in which it's acceptable to give your child a first name that rhymes with your last name? Something like Ryan Lyon, or Paul Wall, or Larry Magary?

I don't think so. I also dislike names that ALMOST rhyme, like Bill Miller. That's too close. I also hated former Cardinals running back Johnny Johnson, because he had John in both of his names. So uncreative. Come on, Johnsons. You really couldn't do better than that for your son? Never seen a more mailed-in name. This is why I hate Jr. names. "Uh… just name him after me!" Dude, do your fucking homework and give the kid his own name.

John:

Don't you hate it when you just start listening to a band and become invested in them enough to check out when they're coming to town, only to find that they played three days ago?

Yes, and that always happens. Know what else happens? Your favorite band releases a new album, and you can't wait to see them play it live. Only they decide to tour fucking Europe and Asia for three years before coming stateside. What the fuck? What does Knebworth have that we don't? Why is America always LAST in your itinerary, you bastards? You'll be drugged out and sick of the material by then. Why does Japan get all the good shit? THEY'LL LISTEN TO ANYTHING!

HALFTIME!

Adam:

We've all been at Fantasy Football/Baseball drafts where some dishrag owner drafts a player with this shit-eating grin on his face like he thinks he has the steal of the draft and takes a guy that was chosen 3 rounds earlier. Granted, that gives everybody the chance to ridicule that person for the rest of the night, but it's always annoying.

But you can't tell me during the Major League Baseball draft, this hasn't happened. Especially in the days when everything was done over a conference call. Even going back to the early 1990's, the MLB Draft was 60 plus rounds. With 30 teams, there could be up to 1800 players taken. There HAS to be a time when some GM makes that mistake... And I would love to know what the penalty for that at the Winter Meetings would be.

In other words, is there is much shit talking and prideful boasting during a real draft as there is in a fantasy draft? Oh, I think so. What fun would being a GM be if you couldn't shit on everything other teams do? You'll always see that footage of Jerry Jones in the Cowboys war room with his tie off and his sleeves rolled up. And whenever the Cowboys draft someone, he gives high fives to the whole fucking room and pumps his fists and basically acts like the biggest shitbag in your fantasy league. WE GOT ‘IM! WE GOT OUR BOY! HOO WEEEEEE!

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Andy Behrens of Yahoo said during a podcast that every draft has a universally praised pick, and that pick NEVER turns out well. Like Anthony Gonzalez last year. He was a much-lauded late round fantasy pick, and he SUCKED. He sucked so badly, two other Colts wideouts thrived with him gone. And it's fun to see that happen in real life. "Eric Curry? GREAT pick by Tampa." And then he goes to shit.

HelloBill:

NICE.

Ryan:

Have you ever had a twisty tie from a loaf of bread last the duration of the bread? I usually lose it after opening for the first time, and then I have to twist the end of the bag and tuck it under the loaf when it goes back in the cupboard in order to keep it airtight.

I discard it because I know I'll lose it, and I'm too lazy to tie it. Will it keep the bread fresher than if I twist the end and tuck it? No. It's fine. Fuck the twisty tie. Sometimes, the paper gets stripped off the tie and there's a bare wire and I'll reach for the bread and STAB! STABBY STAB STAB IN THE FINGER! That blows.

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Lots of bread also come with the plastic end tabs that you bunch the bag into to keep it fresh. Again, this takes way too much effort. I'm an American. I shouldn't have to exert myself in this manner.

HOWEVAH, I do use chip clips. They're fucking brilliant. Ever fold up a bag of chips or a cereal bag and you come back the next day and the bag unfurled itself and air RUINED YOUR CHEERIOS' SHIT? That is horrible. Chip clips are solid like that. I also like putting chip clips on my finger. LOOK AT WHAT MY FINGER CAN WITHSTAND.

Chris:

Why do we have to go through the whole ordeal of knocking up a woman and endure 9 months of emotional hell when these fish can produce offspring on rocks and leaves? The females drop eggs and the male zip by later to drop a fish load on them. That would be awesome. You'd be walking by a Starbucks and see a puddle of lady eggs, making you late for your 2PM meeting because you need to spermeate something fierce.

It's grossly unfair to women, and it's a sign to me that Mother Nature is not always the flawless designer treehuggers will tell you she is. "Oh, look at snowflake! The genius of Mother Nature at work!" Oh, really? Okay, well if the lady is such an expert, then why does it take one doctor, three nurses, six bags of morphine, and two blood transfusions for a woman to give birth to one lousy goddamn kid? Does that strike you as a perfect design? What, is it some kind of test of character? That's crap.

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And why are four-year-olds designed so that their parents want to fucking MURDER them? Shouldn't they be quiet and attentive, so that they might thrive and survive in a hostile world? So that their parents will feel compelled to protect them, rather than compelled to let the automatic door at the supermarket slam right in their face when they're getting all pouty? YOU FUCKING EXPLAIN THAT.

Sunizzle:

So I made a mini roadtrip last weekend to see one of my college buddies and it was raining when I left. About one hour into the drive, I wanted to take off my jacket. Being the lazy fuck I am, I didn't want to lose time by pulling over and taking my jacket off; instead, I put my car into cruise control at 80 mph, unbuckled my seatbelt, held the steering wheel in place with my knees/free hand, Houdini'd my jacket off and then put my hands back on the steering wheel before crashing into a guard rail.

This maneuver also works with someone in the passenger seat. You both are just sitting there on the freeway. You motion to the passenger, "Hold this," referring to the steering wheel, while you do the same thing. For that split second before they realize you are just taking off your stupid jacket, they have to half-expect that you are going to roll down the window and start popping off in the car in behind you like some action star.

It's the right move to make. Pulling over is for suckers. Nothing make me more upset than getting in the car and getting on the highway only to realize I should have taken off my jacket BEFORE I entered the car. No one's gonna keep a jacket on for a whole road trip. That's craziness.

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It's summer now, and I again have climate ADD when driving my fucking car. I cannot find a temperature setting that I can just leave. If I turn on the air con, it gets too cold. If I turn it down, it gets to hot. If I open the window, it gets too fucking loud. So I'll just constantly be adjusting the climate controls, like I'm mixing a fucking Kid Cudi record. I hate myself for this.

Tutpsu:

Doesn't it bum you out that unless the world somehow goes to shit, there will never be another epic medieval-type battle? You know, swordsmen with shields, guys on horses with giant hammers or spears, catapults, trebuchets, flaming arrows, etc.

Well, the world IS going to shit every day, so we could be on the verge of going back to Middle Earth battlin'. With halberds and lances and FUCK YEAH! I don't know why they don't erect grandstands for war and charge admission. I'd totally go. If the US Army had a $250,000 "VIP embed" program, Tom Clancy would pay it for three times.

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If I could be assured of living, I'd totally fight in a medieval battle. If they gave you a horse and suit of armor and a sword (not too heavy!) and you could kill orcs for real and shit, how much would you pay to participate? A thousand bucks? More? I'd ay more if I had money and shit.

Want to hear something fucked? I once worked on an ad campaign for saving Darfur. And they told us that one of the ways they kill people in the civil war over there is by dropping shit from airplanes. They often can't afford ammo, so what they'll do is fly up in the air and push heavy shit out of an airplane, hoping it lands on unsuspecting people down below. Fridges. Air conditioners. Old trucks. Anything they can get their hands on. Now imagine that. You're walking along in Darfur, minding your own business, when BOOM! A goddamn washing machine lands on your head. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. I man, I get how much fun it would be to push a sofa out of an airplane. I'd pay $200 to do that. That would be awesome. But to have that actually be used as a way of conducting genocide is evil and shitty and makes me feel like the postapocalypse is already here.

Now it's time for a GREAT MOMENT IN PRESIDENTIAL DAYDREAMING.

Reed:

I live in DC and my hero fantasy is quite grandiose. The only way I could be president is if a bomb destroys the Capitol during the State of the Union address. I imagine I am some scrub cabinet-level position like education or energy secretary and I am asked to stay behind in the White House on the night of the speech.

BOOM!

After the Secret Service whisk me away to a bunker in W.Va., I have to start reorganizing the important aspects of the federal government. Essentially, after consulting with my newly promoted Joint Chiefs of Staff, I start calling the 50 governors and ask them to get the process going on getting (if need be) a Democratic and Republican senator back to DC so I can get a good Supreme Court confirmed. After all, we are a nation of fucking LAWS.

I then go on national television and give one of the most important speeches in American history. It is a quick speech just to remind the nation and world that U.S. has a leader and that law and order at all levels will be around when the sun rises in the morning. Unfortunately, I cannot conclude my speech without using the phrase, "I will not let the Spanish back in the pantry." I just can't. I have no speechwriters.

Also, while I maybe low on the line of presidential succession, I am not going to give up my spot just because they pulled the Secretary of the Interior out of the rubble. Elected official, State, or Defense is the only way I am going to abdicate the chance of having breakfast with the Pope and tea with the Queen of England later in the day. I will take the Secretary of Agriculture to court, and I just stacked the Supreme Court in my favor!

Reed is way more creative than me. I usually just imagine the movie Dave happens to me in real life.