I scream! You scream! We all scream for profane and comprehensive reviews of chilled desserts! Sample: "Get fucked, Dippin Dots."
One of the good things about being a parent is that, during the summer, you're fully justified in eating all the goddamn ice cream you want.
It's not the same if you're single. If you don't have kids and you decide to bum rush the Good Humor man whenever he drives by, that makes you a fatass. But since kids are little ice cream crackheads, you're practically obligated to flag down Tommy Basilio ("How's it feel to be a chump?") and grab a Toasted Almond to share. This doesn't make you a glutton. This makes you a sensitive daddy who wants to share a precious moment with his little girl. Buying your kid ice cream is the only time they ever appear genuinely excited to be your offspring. This is why there are so many shithead parents out there who spoil their kids: because it totally works.
Anyway, I've spent the majority of this summer plowing through the entire ice cream truck menu. I am as knowledgeable of its strengths and weaknesses as Bill Belichick is with regards to the K-Gun offense. And now, I shall pass this knowledge unto you, the burgeoning fatass populace of America. I'll skirt the rules a bit here and rank all ice cream novelty products that I know of, and not just go expressly by the Good Humor menu, which often lacks the #1 ranked item. Perhaps your neighborhood is visited by a Hood truck, or a Mister Softee truck. I'm not one to judge.
1. Chipwich. A masterfully-designed product which allows you to eat two cookies and a shitload of ice cream simultaneously. Kudos to the very tubby engineer who thought of the extra chocolate chips studding the rim. Very Billy Idolesque.
2. Chocolate Éclair/Toasted Almond/Strawberry Shortcake. There are three bars in the truck (Chocolate Éclair, Strawberry Shortcake, Toasted Almond) that all have the exact same design. Little bit of cake in the middle, ice cream outside of that, all encased in a layer of… uh… crumbly stuff. I don't even know how to begin to describe that shit. It almost certainly contains asbestos. But whatever, it's fucking good. Like Pop Rocks mixed with the shit on top of an apple crisp.
5. Choco Taco. Because I've always eaten ice cream and thought to myself, "If there were just some way to make this more like Mexican food."
6. Ice Cream Sandwich. I've said this before and I'll say it again. Ice cream sandwiches are fucking tremendous, but the only bad part of eating them is when you're finished and it looks like you just went three fingers deep inside someone else's asshole. Little children are also vulnerable to the dreaded Ice Cream Sandwich Sanchez, in which the chocolate part of the sandwich gets encrusted around your mouth, giving you that freshly administered Rusty Trombone look.
7. King Cone. Most King Cones include a thin layer of chocolate lining the inside of the cone, thus preventing drips. FUCK AND YES.
9. Push Up Pop. Some day, there will be an NFL player with the first name Sherbet.
10. That Oreo Sandwich Thing. You know. It looks like a giant Oreo, with ice cream in the center. This sounds awesome initially, but then you take a bite and realize the ice cream inside doesn't ALSO contain chunks of Oreos, which is heartbreaking. Hey fucktaster, I want some goddamn Oreo bits inside my giant Oreo sandwich. I want a more meta Oreo experience.
11. Candy Center Crunch. Holy shit, is that really chocolate in the center of the bar? Are you sure it isn't titanium?
12. Vanilla Ice Cream Bar. Whoa whoa whoa. Vanilla ice cream in a bar? SLOW DOWN THERE, WILD MAN. We wouldn't want you going crazy and being all Neopolitan on us.
13. Rocket Pop. I don't see the need to be patriotic while eating ice cream. This thing looks like a giant frozen dildo.
14. Lemon Slush Cup
15. Popsicle shaped like Spongebob/Mickey Mouse/Dora/Gene Simmons
16. Dippin Dots. You see Dippin Dots in ice cream trucks now, along with baseball stadiums, beach towns, and everywhere else. They're fucking retarded. Oooh, it's the ice cream of the FUTURE! In the future, all food comes in pellet form! Now I know how it feels to be a goat in a petting zoo. Get fucked, Dippin Dots. I'll take my ice cream in non-ball bearing form.
Story originally published July 28, 2009