Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Drew Brees dominated the ESPYs, taking home awards for best male athlete, best championship performance, best NFL player and best team. This sounds impressive, until you realize that actual voting on awards is eschewed in favor of just giving them to whoever promises to show up.
•Despite being wooed by his longtime nemesis, a player spurns the bright lights of the big city for a quiet little town, where he can just play basketball. Raja Bell, you are the bizarro LeBron James.
•The NBA says it lost $370 million; the players union says the league didn't lose a thing. If you wondered just how far apart the sides are, there's your answer. And $370 million is more than enough for a lockout.
•What's the first thing George Steinbrenner did in the afterlife? Yeah, you guessed it. Here's an All-Star team composed solely of players who are probably in hell.
•From Lookout Landing, an excellent first-half recap of the Mariners, comparing them to objects found around the house. SPOILER ALERT: more than one of them are equated to piles of garbage.
(Thanks to Cole for the screengrab)