Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Georgia's A.J. Green is just the latest player to be linked to this mysterious Memorial Day weekend party in Miami that's gotten so many others in trouble already. UGA would be the fourth school to get caught up in the mini-scandal. So say what you will about this agent and his lack of tact; he's one hell of a party planner.
•This report has Chris Paul demanding a trade to Los Angeles, Orlando or New York by the start of the season. No Miami? They could really use a PG. Instead of their current plan, which is to have three players wrestling for the ball on the inbounds pass.
•Clayton Kershaw, Joe Torre, and bench coach Bob Schaefer (not the one from CBS) were suspended last night for their roles in Tuesday's beanball war. Don Mattingly once again served as manager for last night's game, in which Chad Billingsley threw a complete game. That's unfortunate, because we really wanted to see if Mattingly thinks the double mound visit is the normal way to remove a pitcher.
•Ed Reed wants more money, saying "There are six, seven players in front of me at my position [in terms of money] that I honestly wouldn't let hold my jock, and I don't even wear one." I'm confused. Does he think he should be paid more because he's the best safety, or because he can't afford a jockstrap?
•Lance Armstrong has hired a high-powered criminal defense attorney, in the face of a federal investigation of doping allegations made by Floyd Landis. Can't he just have his lead-out man take the brunt of the charges, while he slips past at the end?
•Puck Daddy has a hilarious eulogy of the Twitter account of Coyotes goon Paul Bissonnette, which was deleted after some politically incorrect Tweets about Ilya Kovalchuk and communist Russia.
Thursday morning? Thursday morning.