Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Here's some footage S.F. Giant Eugenio Velez taking Pat Burrell's ball to the head.
• Here's the obituary of an 18-year-old Virginia girl who killed herself last Easter. Here's the story about how her little brother won the All-American Soapbox Derby in his late sister's soapbox car yesterday. Here's the Roger Dorn movie for which it just got easier to get an audience.
• Jim Gray aspirant Dan Le Batard tries to figure out why so many people hate the Heat now. Comes pretty close with, "Doesn't help that we, a bandwagon sports town with no right to all this excess, threw our joy in everyone's face. Only thing more annoying than arrogance is arrogance that hasn't been earned."
• This one from Yahoo should speak for itself...
Terrell Owens could soon be a major factor in the level of success and happiness that Sam Bradford experiences in his rookie year. ESPN's Chris Mortensen says that the Rams are putting together a serious contract offer for Owens, and that T.O. could be in a Rams jersey within 72 hours.
• Jason Taylor "certainly believe[s]" he can get double-digit sacks for the Jets this year, making Jason Taylor the only person who certainly believes Jason Taylor can get double-digit sacks for the Jets this year.
• That whole bicycle thing over in France ends today. It also pretty much ended yesterday. Awesome. Totally awesome.
• A story about Russ Grimm turning some blonde Comcast contributor into his biker bitch? A story about Russ Grimm turning some blonde Comcast contributor into his biker bitch. "HELL YEAH!," indeed, Michele Gordon.
• Dwight Gooden's wife says he's a deadbeat who has left her and their two kids to survive on food stamps. Sounds about right. In unrelated news, the Mets are scheduled to induct him into their Hall of Fame next weekend. Also sounds about right.
• Rubbernecking alert: Jeremy Green is on suicide watch.
• Ross Turnbull is not a good goalkeeper, which is to say he fits right in over in England.
• And finally, from the "Hickey's biased coverage" files: Andre Dawson wishes he was going into the Hall as a Cub. Kyle Kendrick proves he's a substantially better pitcher than Ubaldo Jiminez. Former Flyers Derian Hatcher and Jeremy Roenick will be inducted into the US Hockey Hall of Fame in October. A Q&A with Notre Dame Coach Brian Kelly.
And on the seventh day, he danced. See? Mel's good people.
(H/T Scott Schroeder for photo of new Phillies hitting coach Greg Gross digging deep during day two on the job. Quite the go-getter.)