Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• Video via The 700 Level

• Stephen Strasburg was scratched from his start last night with inflammation in his pitching shoulder. Miguel Batista came on instead, got booed, and then afterward explained the situation thus:

Imagine, if you go there to see Miss Universe and you end up having Miss Iowa, you might get those kind of boos.

Strasburg is listed as day to day, but Mark Zuckerman of Nats Insider thinks there's a good chance the Nationals will shut him down and perhaps bury him in a rock tomb.

• Terrell Owens is a new Bengal, along with Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, and Matt Jones, and during their time together they will learn the value of teamwork and eventually redeem themselves by assassinating senior officers in the Wehrmacht.

• "An Italian man infuriated by the incessant blowing of vuvuzelas at a local bar fired a rifle then repeatedly rammed his car into the drinking den."

• Jonathan Abrams looks at the young smartypants slowly taking over NBA front offices. He also mentions David Kahn.

• Some kind souls have put together a handy collection of great magazine stories by all your favorite writers. They also mention John Updike.

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Good morning? Good morning.