Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Trade fucking deadline! Tejada to San Diego, Cantu to Texas, Capps to Minnesota! If that doesn't get your panties in a bunch, just wait for the Willie Bloomquist sweepstakes to heat up.
•Albert Haynesworth, despite dropping 40 pounds, failed his conditioning test again this morning. Everything you've ever been told about a good night's rest? A lie.
•Chris Bosh denies his ex-GM's quitter label, says he always played hard in Toronto. I think he's mistaken, and it's just that when you're on the Raptors, every game seems really hard.
•Buck Showalter will take over as Orioles manager, leaving a cushy analyst gig at ESPN. He announced his decision in an hour-long special in the third floor conference room in Bristol, attended only by the occasional cleaning lady and filmed only by an emotionless security camera.
•Oh, and as for today's picture? I really have no idea.
It's Friday. Should be fun.