Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• "I'm chillin with Don King" (Floyd 9:40, 7:29). Bible-study translation: Floyd Mayweather ran into Don King the other night and took some pictures. Then, he posed with a lobster, probably because Don said Floyd should have taken the Pacquiao fight and, well, lobsters don't talk back.
• Ben Roethlisberger says it's "good to be able to put a lot of things in the offseason behind you and move on." Hines Ward says Ben is "going to be our biggest cheerleader right now." That's nice. I wish Hines'd gone with "biggest bathroom attendant," though. See what I did there? [NFL.com]
• TB RB Cadillac Williams says people will start appreciating him when they see how he performs in a contract year. Well, he didn't say that exactly. He said whatever "I definitely should re-emerge myself" means. [Pewter Report]
• Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger thinks Cesc Fabregas will remain in England even though Cesc Fabregas totally wants to leave for Barcelona. [Telegraph.co.uk]
• It's Trading Deadline Day, bitches. I'll keep an eye out for any moves the Orioles make to ensure a World Series run.
• And finally, from the "Hickey's biased coverage" files: Forget the 1-8 debut, everything's gonna be alright with Roy Oswalt, no run support, no cry. ... Aw, poor Dez Bryant; punk'll do what Roy Williams says next time, won't he?
It's Saturday. Weekend Deadspin readers, Hedo Rick. Hedo Rick, weekend Deadspin readers.