Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• C.C. Sabathia won his 16th game, which in New York is the equivalent of 43 wins in the Pacific Time Zone.
• The Minaya regime's measured-backtracking proceeded according to plan as the Mets placed K-Rod on the disqualified list.
• Meanwhile, in Boston, hooligans are breaking windows outside of Fenway Park.
• BYU might leave the MWC for the WAC, but go Ross Perot for football. But you know, "grain of salt" and stuff.
• BAC twice the legal limit while driving around Cincy? The Bengals are held to such a low standard that that's not even grounds for a suspension.
• Nathan Rabin of The AV Club attended this year's Gathering of the Juggalos and his account is as hysterical—security guards complaining about the cost of drugs, "Don't you be trying to rob a Juggalo!"—as it is harrowing—a Faygo wet t-shirt contest, Shaggy 2 Dope trying to get laid, etc.
• Forgot your coffee this morning? These ought to wake you up.
Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Wednesday means only one thing: Bagel Day. H/T Everyone who sent in that Cowboys video.