If Sideline Princess Is Already Taken, Jenn Brown's Friend Has A Promising Career As An Alcoholic LuchadoraS

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

Stephen Strasburg's MRI results are due in any time now, but regardless, the Nationals are considering shutting him down since the season's a lost cause anyway. His next start: 2014.

•Caster Semenya returned to elite competition, once again outclassing the world's best at 800 meters. She wasn't nearly as dominant in her return, only winning by the length of a penis.

Lou Piniella calls it quits, after an 11-run loss to Atlanta. But you know what they say about leaving the Cubs taking 10 years off your life. Expect to see him back with a new, non-freakshow of a team next year.

•The US, led by Kevin Durant's 25 points and two blocked shots on the final possession, tipped Spain by one in a warmup for the world championships. And yes, it's totally okay to use a scrimmage for the 2nd most important international tournament, in which most of our best players decided to pass up, as an opportunity to bring the jingoism. USA! USA!

Arjun Atwal becomes the first Indian-born player to win on the PGA Tour, and the first Monday qualifier to do it since 1986. So there's hope out there for all you duffers, assuming you've already won regularly on the Asian and European tours.

(Photo via Twitter, h/t Jovan J)

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Good morning. As you can see, we're early risers.