And The Mariotti Mug Shot Photoshops Have BegunS

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• The Jets are handing out fat contracts with abandon, but are still pussyfooting around making Darrelle Revis richer. Or is his monster deal going to be announced on Hard Knocks—a show that is not shown in real-time—tonight?

Sidney Rice had hip surgery and is expected to miss at least two months. That'll cut down on the brain Favres that lead to touchdowns for opposing teams' secondaries for sure.

• Johnny Damon seems to have rubbed Dan Shaughnessy—who adorably thinks the Red Sox still have a shot—the wrong way yet again. If we're lucky, Tommy from Quinzee has a statement prepared.

Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez has a subhuman ERA in Double A and is aiming to join his brother Livan on the Washington Blue Plate Specials.

• The Cubs defeated the aforementioned D.C. baseball team with the help of a game-saving catch by Kosuke Fukodome and some vintage Alfonso Soriano slugging. The team celebrated with a heartwarming nod to its legume-averse fans.

• Slate's Brian Phillips has written a wonderful paean to the most salacious and wonderful of rumors: out-of-fucking-control European-soccer-transfer rumors.

• The New York media again fails to see that Rafael Nadal just might not give a shit about New York, even though he's totally winning the Open this year.

(Screengrab courtesy of the always sublime 30fps)

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Good morning. It is bagel day, and while I was extremely disappointed by the Lifetime Original Movie The Client List last night, my hopes are high for that new Kim Raver joint. Not-The-Blondie-Song-You're-Of-Thinking-After-I-Mentioned-Hookers Time!