Hey teetotalers: not only are you a drag, you're going to die younger. Live slow, die fast, jerks.
In a new study published by the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, nondrinkers have higher mortality rates due to their overall lower social and mental well being. So even though heavy drinkers face their own (humorous) hazards like "nonlethal falls and other mishaps," they have more friends there to support them after said mishaps.
The study says that moderate drinkers—one to three drinks a day—have the lowest mortality rates, so I can only assume that if you compress two or three days into one a few times a week you're golden.