Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•I know one person who wasn't around to see Trevor Hoffman's 600th career save: that guy up there. Sean Ottow was ejected by umpire Bob Davidson for heckling Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina, and was cited for disorderly conduct. Watching Molina strike out later from the police command, Ottow said, "I don't care how much this costs me... you're a loser Molina!"
•Mike Tomlin won't guarantee that Ben Roethlisberger regains the starting job when he returns from his suspension. But Dennis Dixon's play will.
•Highly-touted Kentucky big man Enes Kanter is under investigation after his Turkish professional team said it paid him more than $100,000 over the years. Calipari would have paid him more.
•The Phillies won and the Braves lost, putting Philadelphia atop the division. Meanwhile, MLB is considering changing the official name of the Wild Card to "whoever's second in the East, in both leagues."
•Ray Lewis is now doing ads for Old Spice Body Wash. Fitting, because Ray Lewis has a couple of bodies to his name.
It's our cincoanera. There will not be cake.