Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Oh look, the New York Daily News compiled a "Philadelphia Sports Fans Worst Moments" feature yesterday. Original idea. It included beaten-to-death standards (Tased kid, J.D. Drew battery night) and under-appreciated classics (dude falls into Tie Domi's penalty box). But booing Sarah Palin? C'mon. How about the future mayor and governor betting people they can't hit the Cowgirls wit snowballs? Or, how diehards are still hang their self-worth on a coke-fueled 1986 championship? Oh wait, wrong town. [New York Daily News]
• Headline of the day: "Fan hopes towels, T-shirts will make for a more intimidating crowd." [Baltimore Sun]
• Headline of the day (honorable mention): Miami Heat no longer pursuing Erick Dampier. [Miami Herald]
• David Wells posits that Joe Torre is a coward for talking about the Mets managerial position. [Yahoo Sports]
• NASCAR's Clint Bowyer: I am not a cheat. [Birmingham News]
• Toronto's Jose Bautista hits dingers 51 and 52. [Globe and Mail]
• Pitt hoops redshirt freshman Lamar Patterson crashes his car into a building, posts "God is Great" on Twitter. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette] In other news, former Pitt DB Jeff Knox Jr. has been charged with assault for allegedly slapping and choking a woman after she told him she was pregnant. [ESPN]
• Patriots owner Robert Kraft disagrees with White Jesus about Patriots vs. Jets fans. [Boston Herald]
"I think the crowds in here have been pretty good," Kraft said yesterday. "You know, I understand what Tommy [Brady] was saying as well. Maybe, if we want to be up by that much, it's OK by me, and people want to chill."
• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … Though wee David Wright didn't much appreciate how Chase "clearly superior in every facet of life" Utley slid into second last night [NY Daily News], Country Joe dropped the Phillies magic number to two [Philadelphia Inquirer]. Haddon Twp. Hawks soccer 7, Paulsboro nada. 08108, represent. [Courier Post].
Yo, it's me again. Hope your week was as good as mine. Let's work.