Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Albert Haynesworth told a D.C. radio show that he's no slave to the 'Skins.
Fun fact: $100 million contract notwithstanding, he'd rather just go hang at Wal-Mart. Fun fact No. 2: Haynesworth may not realize slaves or something didn't get, you know, paid. [106.7 The Fan and ESPN]
"I'm not for sale. Yeah, I signed the contract and got paid a lot of money, but ... that don't mean I'm for sale or a slave or whatever."
• Heeding a sign-writing fan's wishes, Auburn Chizz'd all over the Gamecocks last night; 35-27 final. [The State]
• Insufferable shit Tony Dungy gives the Yankees a pep talk. Aw.
"I talked about family experiences and hanging together down the stretch. It's nothing they haven't heard before, but I have a son that doesn't listen to anything I say." [New York Post]
• The Sixers' Mareesse Speights blames cheesesteaks for the fact that a lot of Philly girls "have fat stomachs in no caks." Philadelphia's Brian Hickey really wants to know what "caks" are. [The Wiz Wit]
• Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox got his 2,500th career win, the fourth to do so. Good stuff. [Atlanta Journal Constitution]
• On his final 11 holes at East Lake on Saturday, Nick Watney got nine birdies. [Golf Week]
• Some static started, on Dover pit row, because Kevin Harvick hit Denny Hamlin's No. 11 Fed Ex Toyota, with his yellow car. [SpeedTV]
• Congrats, AL West Champion Texas Rangers. [Star-Telegram]
• Hooked them 'Horns, did the 15-point underdog UCLA Bruins. [Los Angeles Times]
• Adam Morrison signed to the Wizards' practice squad. So very, very sad. [NBA.com, H/T Jason Berger]
• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … South Carolina did what Philadelphia should have done long ago: Honor Joe Frazier. God probably had something to do with Notre Dame's 23-point loss. [CNNSI.com] Cubs win! [Chicago Tribune] J-Roll's back. Almost. [Philly.com]
Sunday morning. Nice to see you again.