Tiger Woods Is Probably Thinking What You're Thinking Right NowS

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

• And that is, "If I get photographed staring at this woman's ass, it will probably become a story in a British newspaper." Brace for the relapse. [WUP] [PHOTO: Daily Mirror]

• After 20,000 boozed-up Cowboys/Texans fans descended upon the Reliant Stadium parking lot, team officials decided to make it a private party limited to ticket-holders and those willing to pay $10 for the opportunity to possibly watch men in Mario Williams jerseys get knocked out: [HoustonChronicle]

So is he out?

• According to ESPN Radio, Matt Kemp is no longer dating Rihanna. Alyssa Milano should file for divorce any minute now. [Vin Scully Is My Homeboy]

• Poor David Beckham. He's being accused of fucking everybody. One distraught husband brought up the soccer star's name in his divorce filing, which includes great Hallmark sentiments to his wife like "Why don't you ask him to send you a picture of his cock for your birthday you whore!" [Radar Online]

• Question: Who are two people you'd never consider joining forces to play a practical joke on a television reporter? Answer: Roddy White and Buckethead. [Online Sports Guys]

Good morning. It's Friday. Please leave your Fuck List thesis on my desk. They're due today.