Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Supermodel Gisele was caught getting real up close and personal with some guy who was not her husband Tom Brady at a masquerade gala in Paris on Thursday. [TMZ]
UPDATE: Boston.com says "some guy who was not her husband Tom Brady" is "Helly Nahmad, a friend of Bundchen's and the ex of Brazilian supermodel Ana Beatriz Barros."
• Why won't Carlos Zambrano waive his no trade clause? "Because I'm on a mission ... to win the World Series here. I have confidence in my teammates that we can do it." For fuck's sake. [ESPNChicago.com]
• Former Seton Hall power forward Robert Mitchell went out to get some weed, but came home with an armed-robbery guilty plea.
Mitchell, 23, of Brooklyn, N.Y., entered a home on Irvington Avenue in South Orange, not far from the Seton Hall campus, Monday evening and pointed a gun at eight people, according to the Essex County Prosecutor's Office. He then forced them into one area of the house where he demanded they surrender their money and personal items, the prosecutor's office said.
The occupants handed over credit cards, cell phones, debit cards, drivers licenses, digital cameras and about $300 in cash before Mitchell fled, authorities said. [NJ.com]
• Chris Zorich resigns from the Notre Dame athletic department, a few months after the Chicago Tribune reported "he didn't know the location of $864,645 in assets listed on his charitable foundation's 2002 federal tax return." [Chicago Tribune]
• "I'm the best, hands down. There's no speculation. Not top three or top five, I'm the best." — Rajon Rondo on Rajon Rondo. [Boston Herald]
• Wally the Beer Man, an apparent Namblan, totally got popped for giving a "kid" booze at a Twins game.
Reached at home Friday, McNeil said that as he sold beers to two men, a third man standing next to them said, "I'll take a Michelob Golden Light."
"He looked just like the two guys standing there. He looked like he was over 30," McNeil said. "I ID everyone all day every day, for 40 years. ... It must have been a lapse."
Almost immediately afterward, he was called to a vending room, where an investigator pulled out a photo and said, "You served this guy." [Star-Tribune]
• In other Minnesota Twins news — I know, right? — the perennial-failure Minnesota Timberwolves opt to ride the Twins playoff exposure toward a quick buck, presumably to position themselves to draft the next Ndudi Ebi.
Renderings provided by the Wolves show the ad space on the outside of Target Center will dominate the view from the third-baseline seats at the Twins' Target Field, as well as from Target Plaza outside the ballpark. It's the same vantage point of downtown Minneapolis that Sports Illustrated recently chose for a cover story on the Twins. [ESPN.com]
• Tea Party star Albert Pujols took a bat to the back of Rockies catcher Miguel Olivo's head last night. [Denver Post]
• The Baltimore Raven whose life was exploited by an actress who couldn't satisfy Jesse James' needs got fined $5K by the NFL. [Baltimore Sun]
• A Los Angeles woman is claiming her millionaire lawyer husband tried to run David Beckham off the road after falsely accusing her of having an affair with the superstar, RadarOnline reported Friday. [New York Post]
• To say NHL cheap-shot artist Darcy Tucker retired yesterday is to say nobody was interested in procuring cheap-shot artist Darcy Tucker's services. [Toronto Sun]
• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … J-Roll returns to Phillies lineup, hits a grand slam [Philadelphia Inquirer]. Cubs move to within 12 games of .500 with two to play. [Chicago Tribune] And, I feel compelled to share a really disturbing story I wrote this week.
It's Saturday. And if you get hooked, baby, it's nobody else's fault.