Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•It's going on as we speak, but things don't look so good for the US at the Ryder Cup. They looked ever worse for one Daily Mail fotog, as Tiger Woods nailed him directly in the lens. On the bright side, no need to buy the Devon James/Tiger Woods sex tape, as this is pretty much what she saw.
•Well, that was the worst football game in recorded history. Try to block it from your memory. Jay Cutler already has.
•The Giants clinched the NL West by finally winning a damn game. Tim Lincecum brought out the always-special televised f-bomb to celebrate.
•The Braves join them in the postseason, Atlanta's first berth since 2005. Good, it's not October without a Braves first-round exit.
•The Rays take the division and homefield advantage in the AL, quite likely the first time the Trop could be technically considered a homefield advantage.
Thanks for joining us this week. Let's get rolling.