Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
I don't have much to add to the delightful treasure trove that Daulerio just dumped on your lap earlier today. All I can tell you is that I bet this business doesn't warrant a single mention on ESPN Monday Night, because ESPN is the most fucking gutless bunch of pussies that ever walked the face of the Earth. If Gruden and Jaws spend all night fawning over Favre as if nothing has happened (and I promise you that they will), then they may as well get a fucking tour guide from Disneyland to broadcast these games.
(And think of how awkward this will all be for Mike Tirico. Tirico will be presiding over this game in the wake of these pictures when he himself was accused of similarly ugly behavior years ago:
Tirico approached her and said, "I wish I was single. If I were, I'd throw you on the table right here and fuck your brains out." After she tried to excuse him as drunk, he persisted: "I know you want to screw me. So let's leave."
Oh man, I bet he's breaking into hives just thinking about the idea of having to address this shit.)
That aside, think of all the things that are happening with this Monday Night game. The world has just seen Brett Favre's alleged penis (It's not gray, though. So he has that going for him). Moss is playing his first game back as a Viking. Santonio Holmes, who has also had his penis shown on the Internet, is playing his first game back. Braylon Edwards, who may still be suspended for DUI, is likely playing. It's like the perfect confluence of football and dongs and disgruntled wideouts who don't know how to properly operate motor vehicles. I can't fucking WAIT.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Vikings at Jets: Favre has been creaming his jeans for five years at the idea of playing with Randy Moss, so I fully expect him to throw it to Moss 70 times Monday night, and I fully expect the majority of those passes to be intercepted. Favre will also feel compelled to have a really big game to divert attention away from his small penis, which means he may force even more throws than usual. It could be a potentially horrifying display. THANKS FOR RUINING MY TEAM, AJ. YOU SLEAZY MUCKRAKER.
Simmons tweeted earlier this week that he would rather stick with Brandon Tate at wideout than flip New England's newly acquired third-round pick for Vincent Jackson. I think that's fucking lunacy. They should absolutely flip that pick for Jackson. They just signed Tom Brady to a massive contract extension, and now his best deep threat is gone for good. If you could flip that pick for a proven wideout, why wouldn't you? Draft picks that are used to trade Randy Moss end up being Troy Williamson. It's not a pretty sight, I assure you. If the Pats flip the pick, it's a brilliant move and I'll somehow hate them even more than I already do.
The Jets kicked a pooch kickoff that they recovered against Buffalo last week, which was incredibly fun to watch — you totally know they did it because they knew they could get away with it against a team as horrible as Buffalo. I love pooch kickoffs. There's a lot of fun to be had in a kickoff that kinda looks like a deep kickoff, only it goes to around the 30, and you can clearly see the other team freaking out because there's no one there to cover it. Then you get the announcer all excited, too. OMG THIS IS A POOCH KICKOFF! IT'S LIKE AN ONSIDES, BUT EVEN MORE DASTARDLY! If I were a coach, I'd do a pooch kickoff twice every game. If only to say the word pooch, because "pooch" is yet another word that sounds like a sexual act but is not.
Packers at Redskins: In arguing about the 18-game schedule, someone wrote into SI two weeks ago saying that, if the league goes to an 18-game schedule, teams should be forced to deactivate every player on the roster twice during the season. In essence, that would mean a fantasy player like Adrian Peterson would be guaranteed to miss two games each year to save wear and tear. This policy will never be implemented, because it's dumb, but imagine if they DID decide to do this. You'd never play fantasy football again. It would be terrifying to think that a perfectly healthy player could be deactivated twice a year without any advance warning. I'd fucking die.
I read from Peter King that, in a concession to the player's union, the owners say that they'll add ONE extra roster spot to each team during an 18-game season. One. And two extra practice squad spots, as if anyone gives a shit. What a bunch of parsimonious assholes. Just add five extra roster spots to every team and be done with it.
Titans at Cowboys: There's something very cool about watching the Red Zone channel and then seeing the network to go to a game break WITHIN the Red Zone Channel highlight. It's as if the highlights have been directed by Christopher Nolan.
Chiefs at Colts: Melvin Bullitt is done for the year, which can't be good. I strongly doubt the Colts are going to go off the rails and sink to 8-8 this year or something. But I do know this. Whenever they do have an off year, like when Peyton retires or something, there will be a parade of teams that will cream their jeans at the prospect of finally beating them. You saw the Jags last week. They looked like they had just won the Super Bowl. Players like beating long-dominant teams like Indy and New England way more than they like beating regular old teams.
By the way, what the fuck happened to Peyton's nose? It's like, doubled in size since last year. He looks like he face-butted a cinder block.
Broncos at Ravens: The Broncos, statistically, are the best passing team in football right now. Brandon Lloyd, Brandon fucking Lloyd, is the fifth-best scoring wideout in fantasy. Again, I don't want to live in a world where people like Todd Haley and Josh McDaniels are right about things. I'd much prefer McDaniels fall on his ass and look like an imbecile for dealing away talented players on a whim.
Giants at Texans: Gary Kubiak is very lucky that Arian Foster ended up having a decent game against Oakland last week. That asshole suspended Foster for a quarter with no warning at all for missing a meeting that week. Dude, you could have announced that suspension the day before, easily. But no. You had to be Mr. Powerful and make your decision without telling anyone else. I swear to God, if Foster had crapped out last week, Kubiak would have been assassinated. Someone would have stalked him out at the airport and then scalped him with a tomahawk.
It will happen. There will come a day when a disgruntled fantasy owner murders a coach or player in cold blood for letting his team down that week. Personally, I can't wait for this to occur. It'll really drive the stakes home to players and coaches.
Eagles at 49ers: I'm completely mesmerized by NBC's little Nightvision replays, where they superimpose all the players onto a pitch-black playing surface. I don't even know why they do it. It's not as if you can't see the players when they include the field in the replay. But going to all black makes it look like they're playing football in fucking TRON. It's way awesome.
When you think about it, the green field NFL players compete on makes a natural green screen. You could do anything with the replays on your home computer. You could make the field the color of a gay pride flag. You could have Pitfall Harry jumping over defenders. There's really no limit to what you can do, unless you're like me and have no knowledge of how to make web videos.
I read an article about Boise State in last week's Sports Illustrated, and it was amazing to hear about just how the blue turf works to that team's advantage. Fresno State coach Pat Hill said it took much longer to break down film of Boise because it was hard to discern their formations; their players blend in with the turf. I can't even begin to imagine how much that would piss me off if I were an opposing coach. I'd walk right up to Chris Peterson and punch him in the fucking face after a game for making me work that much harder.
It also prompts the question as to why other teams don't also paint their turf odd colors. If it gave you a competitive advantage to blend in with your turf, why wouldn't you do so? Why aren't college teams lining up and going fucking nuts with odd turf painting? I demand a maize field at Michigan. At the very least, it would keep the crowd from its usual fourth quarter nap. One day, some team is gonna play on a black turf field, just like the NBC Nightvision thing. Then NBC will cut to actual nightvision and you'll be totally confused.
One note about the 49ers: I like Vernon Davis's mohawk. You can tell he shaved it himself because it gradually gets more mangled as it goes to the back of his head, as if he couldn't quite reach the back with the clippers. He seems mentally stable.
Panthers at Bears: Holy shit, did you see Steve Smith get pissed at Jimmy Clausen last week? That was awesome. I swear it looked like Steve Smith was going to choke him to death right there on the field. Steve Smith is terrifying.
On the mutilated abortion that was last Sunday Night's Bears game, Collinsworth said that Mike Martz says Jay Cutler loves to throw from "strange positions." Apparently, one of those positions is being pushed violently into the ground with his arm bent backwards.
Also, Mike Tice's beard looks penciled in. Very creepy.
Jaguars at Bills: My wife found out there was a recall of Fisher Price toys this week. This isn't uncommon. Kid toys and equipment gets recalled all the time, usually because some lady left her fucking toddler alone in a Pack & Play and the little shit jumped out of it and severed his spinal cord and she ended up blaming the product. Anyway, read this part:
Seven kids needed stitches after being cut by pegs on Fisher-Price high chairs, and at least six 2- to 3-year-old girls experienced genital bleeding when they sat or fell against protruding plastic ignition keys on Fisher-Price toddler tricycles.
Jesus fucking Christ! Genital bleeding! Imagine buying a tricycle for your kid, only to have it rape them with a purple key.
Bucs at Bengals: Nothing's funnier than the sad FOX injury music, where they take their macho balls NFL theme and play it softly on an electric piano. That just how much FOX cares. They'll tone down the ballsy music if Caddy Williams breaks his leg again. It's just the right thing to do. I think Cleatus the Robot should come out and clap for players when they get carted off.
Rams at Lions: STOP SHOWING BASEBALL SCORES ON YOUR TICKER, FOX. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.
Cardinals at Saints: Speaking of FOX, I strongly dislike the little pop-ins that Terry Bradshaw now does during the course of a game. I dislike it immensely. I didn't need this innovation. I'm watching the game. I don't need Tardbilly McGee chiming in from LA about what's going on. I don't need an impromptu three-man booth. That fucking blows. It's like when ESPN conducts a phone interview from the booth during a horrible December bowl game. They may as well not show the game at all, since they clearly don't give a shit about what's going on on the field.
Falcons at Browns: Anytime I hear Bill Macatee do an NFL game, I always think back to when he was tapped to host USA Today's syndicated TV show. The show aired for about three seconds, and it was hilariously bad. Here's an excerpt from a Macatee profile that ran in People magazine back in 1988.
So maybe USA Today: The Television Show has debuted to some of the worst reviews ever accorded a program since My Mother the Car. "It doesn't fill a void," noted one critic, "it is one." But Bill Macatee, host of the show's Sports section, has a bigger concern on his mind, and it isn't the staff football pool…
There's something else that really separates him from the Howard Cosells of the world. Frankly, it's his fiancée, India Allen, 23, Playboy's 1988 Playmate of the Year. Come November, Macatee is marrying someone other guys fantasize about.
Indeed. He may do shitty NFL games, but Bill Macatee can score some major pussy.
Chargers at Raiders: Yesterday, I posted this column a day early by accident when I went to set the autopublish. Thus, word leaked about the Favre dong shots well before AJ wanted it to. Apart from having your penis shots posted on the Internet, there are few things worse than fucking up at work and knowing that it was clearly and undeniably your fault. You wanna just crawl into a hole and fucking die. And saying sorry a million times only serves to annoy your boss further. There's literally nothing you can do to make it better, apart from shutting the fuck up. It's a shitty, terrible feeling. On the plus side, FAVREDONG.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Thirty-Four," by Karma to Burn, an instrumental track that an enterprising YouTube user used to score the chase scene from "Bullitt", as shown above. Bad. ASS. Every great metal song should be overlaid to this scene and placed on YouTube. My friend saw Karma to Burn open for the Sword last week. He said they were the tits.
Embarrassing Song I Like That Will Not Fire You Up
"Fields of Gold," by Sting. I had the entire Sting's Greatest Hits compilation tape when I was in college, and I listened to it all the time, often while in the car alone and having a conversation with my imaginary girlfriend. I wanted a girlfriend so badly in college that I often spent my days envisioning entire imaginary relationships with girls I liked, or girls that didn't even exist. I'd listen to shit like this and imagine cuddling with them in bed on a Sunday morning, exchanging sweet nothings. Then I'd whack it in the car. So, so pathetic.
I kissed a girl for the first time when I was 19, which is beyond lame, but that's just the way it goes. I kissed this girl after taking her home after a night out bowling. I assumed after that that bowling was the magic key to getting girls to like you, so I suggested bowling to any girl I asked out for the next two years.
After this girl and I kissed, I automatically thought of her as my girlfriend and told everyone as much. I even told my parents I had a girlfriend, which was hugely presumptuous. I hooked up with the girl one more time after that, and then she never called back. A couple of times, I went to her house and cold knocked on the door just to say hi because I had deluded myself into thinking that maybe it was a mistake that she never called back. And that's how you end up becoming a stalker and presumably ending up being arrested years later jacking off on a stool outside a lady's window and losing your job at ESPN.
Perhaps you've never been in this position, but nothing will make you feel dumber than a premature girlfriend announcement. I was so jazzed about the idea of having a girlfriend (LOOK EVERYONE! I HAVE BOOBS TO TOUCH!) that I totally jumped the gun and opened up my fucking yap to everyone before even getting close to being official boyfriend and girlfriend. Then she never called back and my folks were like, "So, going out with the girlfriend tonight?" And I was like, "Uhhh, well… We're taking some time off, you see. DON'T WANT TO GET TOO HASTY!" It's an awful feeling.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Ray Rice, who has not scored a touchdown all year. Worst of all, Rice was cleared to play against the Steelers last week, and you would have thought he'd get the lion's share of carries since he was presumably healthy. But noooo. No, that fucking babymaker Willis McGahee vultured the TD and left Rice with a shitty two-point game. YOU GODDAMN RUTGERS ASSHOLE. YOU WERE DRAFTED IN THE TOP FOUR, SO START PLAYING LIKE IT.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suggestions of Tennessee, San Diego, and the Jets were 2-1, making me 4-2 on the season. Again, we pick three teams for your suicide pool and something that makes you want to commit suicide as well. This week, the picks are Houston, New Orleans, Atlanta, and whiny children.
I have a four-year-old. Four-year-olds whine A LOT. The only thing worse than a screaming child is a whiny child. Like, say you make a nice dinner for them, and you set it on the table, and they immediately start whining that they don't want macaroni that night. I DON'T WANT MACARONI! I DON'T LIKE IT! Four-year-olds pull this shit all the time. I say that deserves a kick to the face. Not a hard one. Just enough to get them to snap out of it.
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Panthers getting 2.5 points at home against Chicago. FREE RICK SANCHEZ! THE WORLD CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
(Thanks to 289 for the PS.)
2010 Nazi Shark Record: 2-1-1
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Lazy Eye Acid sends in this story I call POOPDA POOPDA POOPDA:
So, when I was a freshman in college I had joined a fraternity and had no freedom as a dipshit pledge. In between classes, all the pledges would search for a secret place to hideout instead of going back to house to get hazed. One of the best places I found was a church center that was about five minutes away from the house. It was glorious. They had a room with couches and cable TV, amenities we were not allowed to enjoy. Anyway, it was a safe place to go and try to feel human for a little while.
One of my classes was on the opposite side of the campus from the house. Sometime in the middle of this class one day it hit me that I had to shit real bad. Now, at the time I was one of those people who was terrified of taking a shit somewhere other than my normal toilet. Even though this meant going back to the house to get hazed, at least I would shit comfortably in a familiar place. I have since outgrown this stupid, stupid attitude. As I leave class and begin my journey across campus to the house, the rumbling shit is really starting to take over. Now, if I hadn't been such a dipshit pussy, I would have just casually stopped in one of the 35 fucking campus buildings that were on the way back to house. But noooo, I gotta make it back to the house. I am speed walking, clinching my cheeks, and sweating profusely trying to hold in this monster shit.
Remember the church center I mentioned about five minutes from the frat house? Well, when I see this place I figure that it is a familiar enough place for me to shit in. I run inside the church center thinking everything will be ok. I make it into the bathroom and into the stall. However, as I close the door to the stall my bowels say "fuck it" and the levee breaks. The biggest shit I have ever taken comes pouring out the bottom of my shorts and all over the floor of this church center bathroom. Shit is all over my legs. I sit on the toilet to release even more, and I pull my shit filled underwear out and throw them on the floor. I left shit all over the floor, all over the toilet, and the shit filled underwear on the floor.
I was too mortified to attempt a clean up for the fear of someone walking in. I remember making eye contact with some nun as I walked out the door. The glorious days of going to this church center and using their TV room were over. I could never bring myself to go back in there from the shame. The rest of my pledgeship was spent getting hazed and searching for a new place to hideout between classes. None as good were ever found. It was about seven years before I told anyone this story
Suddenly, I'm glad I went to a lame college that banned all frats.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
I know Norv beat Arizona last week, but that hardly counts. I still can't believe the Chargers lost to Seattle. Reader Chris really fucking hates Andy Reid:
This fat, pathethic, cum swallowing pussy fart failed to get a play in during the SIX FUCKING MINUTES that elapsed between challenging the spot, review, explanation of the review, and timeout that was then called. Six minutes? This was not a decision for Andy as to which son he should visit in prison, what prescription drugs to purchase for the house, or exactly how many waffles he wanted to stuff into his fucking face. This was just a matter of getting a play in to run on 4th and fucking inches. For this reason, along with many more that I could mention after suffering through the last 11 years of not being able to get over the hump, not only should Fat Andy be fired, but he should end up like the fat guy in Seven who is forced to eat himself to death. Fuck you Andy Reid.
I would rather have Barry Switzer coaching my team than Andy Reid or Brad Childress. I really would. At least Switzer would have the courtesy to get fired QUICKLY. Childress and Reid are like fucking leeches. They just slowly suck the life out of you, until you're drained of plasma and left for dead. And there's something truly awful about the fact that the Vikings are moving Heaven and Earth to win a title this year, yet still employ Childress at the top of it all. It's like David Lean shooting a movie with the fucking lens cap still on. Why can't you assholes ever get fired?!
Gametime Birthday Cake Of The Week
Sheet cake. I turn 34 today, which you don't care about. However, after attending numerous kiddie birthday parties over the past couple years, I think I'm now qualified to discern what separates a good birthday cake from a shitty one. I know a lot of parents like to make homemade birthday cake, either from scratch or from a box. And to those parents I say: BLOW ME. Your cake is dryer than Michael Caine's asshole. It's a nice gesture, but a futile one. Buy a sheet cake from Safeway. Sheet cakes from Safeway are fucking awesome. They're like, 90% frosting. They barely bother with the cake part, which is great because I have no use for the cake part. You get a corner piece of a Safeway cake and it's like mainlining glucose directly into your arteries. I love it. Go the lazy route and buy the store cake, parents. That shit is quality. SAVE ME A FLOWER! THE CANCEROUS FOOD DYE LETS ME KNOW IT'S WORKING!
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
LAKEMAID LAGER! Reader Ben sends in this bizarre Minnesotan liquid.
Lakemaid Lager. Seen in various hick liquor stores across northern MN. They all feature a random hot chick mermaid bearing a tail of a walleye, bass, sunny, northern, etc. And on the bottom of the bottle caps they tell you how big of a fish you 'caught.' ex: two-pounder, ten-pounder, boot, etc..
Does this mean I'm supposed to eat the mermaid? Fishermen are weird. Denny Green used to fish. Denny Green is a kitten molester.
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP is Mark Sanchez of the Jets! I like that kid! Handsome? YOU BET! Mexican? I think so! Let me tell you something about another Latin spitfire I know: the one and only MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO! Oh, Maria Maria! WHAT A WOMAN. I remember meeting her just after The Running Man came out. She was the toast of Hollywood! And Evans knew to strike when the iron was hot! She took me back to her place in Chino. Remember the net they used to capture Schwarzenegger in that movie? Well, Maria stole the prop and used it a bondage toy. ‘Evans,' she said to me, ‘Joo wann to fuck me in the net?' Well, Evans is never one to let a gal down!
"So I wrap her up in this thing and I start giving her my standard points on the back end. When all of a sudden, out of the closet springs this little gay Spanish fellow with a flattop haircut and a PXL2000! He had been recording us the whole time! I don't think I need to tell you that the little japaleno was none other than Pedro Almodovar! And the short film he took of me railing Maria became the basis of Tie Me Up Tie Me Down! That's a true story!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans
Swimming Pool. Ludivine Sagnier is not unattractive.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Now Lisa, everyone needs a blotch on their permanent record."
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Twenty-five hot teachers (NSFW). Got it bad got it bad got it baddddd...
-For the gals: Reader TexasGal didn't send me anything this week. If you ladies want yourself some beefcake, send in the links. Or just look at Brett's penis again! SO HOT.
Enjoy the cock shots, everyone.