Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• In Michael Bloomberg's defense, it's always good to make centaur reservations early, lest you get put on the waiting list. So, he can be forgiven for saying, "I'm sort of trying to figure out where the parade should start," even if there's a place called the "Canyon of Heroes" that's been used a few times before. As for the requisite poll, 16 percent say "He'll just jinx the team," 12 percent say "The city has to be prepared," and 72 percent say, "He should be planning on spending that money on schools or other priorities." [NY Daily News]
• Remember when Rick Ankiel got paid to throw like Florida Gov. Charlie Crist? Or, did an 11th inning playoff homer, which ostensibly saved the Braves' season, clear the slate? [Atlanta Journal Constitution]
• Here's a Euro 2012 qualifying roundup with a picture of a guy from Montenegro stripped down to his tight, white unmentionables. [LA Times]
• Atlanta Thrashers goalie Ondrej Pavelec bottomed out during the team's season opener Friday. Good news: He later regained consciousness and asked about the score of the game from the hospital. Bad news: No word on the cause. Said backup Chris Mason, "You imagine his family across the sea, they are probably following the game and something like that happens. It must be a helpless feeling. It was tough. To be honest, I had trouble focusing when I first got in there. I couldn't stop thinking about him." [Atlanta Journal Constitution]
• Dallas Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle bottomed out during practice Friday. Good news: "I'm fine,'' Carlisle said via text message Friday afternoon. [Dallas Morning News]
• UConn punishes itself for "impermissible phone calls to recruits and improperly distributed game tickets to high school and AAU coaches" but provides coach Jim Calhoun with a safe word ("Boeheim"). [Hartford Courant]
• Looks like the next notch on Denver Broncos' coach Josh McDaniels' bedpost is Champ Bailey. After submitting an offer to Bailey late last week, the Broncos postponed talks. [Denver Post]
• Logical headline of the day: "Tony Romo is elite QB and needs to be one every week." Because you can be an elite QB by being good sometimes. [Dallas Morning News]
• Six brothers watch 22 boys play: The tale of a Pennsylvania high-school football game at which a half-dozen siblings wore black-and-white. [Philly.com]
• Oh look, the Duke Fuck List made its way to Fox News. Megyn Kelly's advice to the dames of America? "Don't sleep around! Don't be easy! It's not empowering, its embarrassing! You will be the butt of men's jokes! You won't be respected. And you may be humiliated like this women is now." Somewhere, there's a ball-gag with Ms. Kelly's name on it. [Mediaite.com]
• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … The Pittsburgh Penguins opened their new building with a loss. To the mighty Philadelphia Flyers [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]. Two down, nine to go before the next Broad Street parade [Cincinnati.com]. The Cubs understandably raise some ticket prices next season. The cost of excellence can't be measured in dollars and cents [Chicago Tribune].
Happy Saturday, folks. So, what'd I miss this week?