Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• After a sexy 10-0 win over Lycoming College, the Messiah College women's soccer team joyously returned to their locker room. There, they (allegedly) found some dude peeping over the top of a bathroom stall. Say it ain't so, Benjamin Fugate. [Fox43]
• Brett Favre is expected to meet with an NFL official on Tuesday. They're expected to chat about his dong. Both will wear pants. Presumably. [CNNSI]
• No. 1 Ohio State, No. 5 Nebraska, No. 10 South Carolina, No. 19 Nevada, No. 22 Florida, No. 23 Air Force and No. 24 Oregon State all lost yesterday. [ESPN]
• Remember that time Michael Irvin hosted a reality show billed as a way to get into the NFL. Yeah, the 1-3 Cowboys finally bit.
Though he's a rookie who's never played a down in a real NFL game, Holley might be able to give Tony Romo and Wade Phillips some advice on how to win a championship. In 2005, Holley was a walk-on on the the North Carolina basketball team that won the national title [Yahoo Sports].
• The Miami Herald heroically urges the Florida Panthers to do away with team logos in urinals if they're going to fine their icemen $500 for traipsing across one on the ground. [Miami Herald]
• Failure of a man Jim Fassel seems to think a UFL team could hang with a low-end NFL team. When the coach of the Las Vegas Locomotives speaks, people listen. Except Dennis Green, who laughed it off. [Fanhouse]
• Did a Nigerian on FIFA's executive committee put his vote for where the 2018 tourney would be played up for sale? Say it ain't so, Amos Adamu. [AFP]
• And, finally, from the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files … Well, the piece of hippie trash does need to fix his teeth [YahooSports] And this guy does puke on the field at Citizens Bank Park ...
Good morning. Derryl Cousins will burn in Hell for what he did last night. So will the guy who wrote this stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid story about Cody Ross. (Answer to last night's DUAN: Four or five.)