After a hilariously abject first half, Tottenham Hotspur can claim to have beaten the European champions 3-0 over 45 minutes last night, thanks to a jet-heeled Gareth Bale hat-trick.

Elderly midfielder Javier Zanetti became the oldest goalscorer in Champions League history when he opened proceedings after just two minutes, and Spurs found themselves 3-0 down within a quarter of an hour after keeper Gomes was sent off for bringing down Jonathan Biabany.

However, a goal after the restart and two late strikes saved the Londoners from any real embarrassment—and added another £5m to Donkey Kong's price tag.

This post, written by Richard Gilzene, is republished with permission from The Spoiler. Go there often if you like soccer stuff.