Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•Well, didn't see this one coming: Wayne Rooney agreed to a new 5-year deal with Manchester United, just days after saying he wanted out. Stiff upper lip, Man City. Finishing fourth will be slightly less painful than third would have been. (Pic via Twitter, h/t Jovan J)
•Roy Halladay strained a groin muscle in the second inning, but still managed to outduel Tim Lincecum and send the series back to Philadelphia. We should all just be thankful we're not talking about "the bloody crotch game" this morning.
•Duke is the near-unanimous No. 1 in the ESPN/USA Today coaches' poll. 10/10: would fuck again.
•Human No. 1 Oregon — but computer No. 8 — went duckshit all over UCLA's defense for a 60-13 win. Don't you love the part of the season where everybody starts running up the score?
•David Stern hopes to cut NBA salaries by a third. Good luck with that. They've got a better chance at capping the rosters at 8 players.
Good morning. We're going to comb our hair today.